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Tuesday Feb 06 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Officials at the Winter Olympics have stocked the Olympic Village with over 100,000 condoms. In other words, it sounds like Bob Costas will be there.

After decades of bitter fighting, North Korea and South Korea will march together in the Winter Olympics. Even more unbelievable, yesterday Melania Trump went to Ohio with her husband.

It has come out that Patriots fans turned to porn immediately after the Super Bowl. Well, ladies and gentlemen, as a Patriots fan, I’d just like to say that I, for one, waited for my guests to leave.

In San Diego, a Girl Scout is in trouble for selling cookies outside a legal weed dispensary. However, the girl isn’t worried, because she is now worth $200 million.

The Mexican-American judge that Donald Trump insulted may hear a case about his border wall. It’s the landmark case of Donald Trump vs. Payback’s a B***h.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

I read today Best Buy and Target are planning to stop selling CDs in their stores. To which I say: Best Buy and Target are still selling CDs?

For those too young to remember, CDs were these shiny discs that would get scratched almost immediately and would sit in a binder of the back seat of the car until you sold the car.

Did you hear what happened to Rob Gronkowski, the tight end for the New England Patriots? The Patriots lost the Super Bowl on Sunday and to make it worse, while Gronkowski was on the field someone broke into his house and literally robbed Gronkowski. Which is terrible, but also kind of smart; they knew he wasn't home because he was playing. They were probably watching him on the TV they were stealing.

That’s not fair, they should be charged with burglary AND unsportsmanlike conduct.

Robbed during the Super Bowl. See, this is why I leave all my valuables in Cleveland with the Browns. Never a worry that they will be away for the game.

President Trump's legal team is now reportedly trying to put the brakes on a looming interview with special counsel Robert Mueller. According to the failing New York Times, Trump's lawyers are worried he could be lying too much to investigators, and they base this concern on... everything he's ever said and done over the course of his life.

Donald Trump is like the bus from "Speed" — if he doesn't tell 60 lies an hour he blows up. Fried chicken and cheeseburgers go everywhere.

If you’re Donald Trump’s lawyer, are you more worried about him lying or about him telling the truth? Because it’s kind of lose-lose, if you think about it.

In South Korea, the Winter Olympics start Thursday. Vice President Mike Pence will be there for opening ceremonies but is leaving after that so he doesn't have to see the biathlon — he believes that athlons should be between one man and one woman.

The president's daughter Ivanka Trump is also headed to Pyeongchang to lead the presidential delegation at the closing ceremony. Choosing Mike Pence and Ivanka Trump to represent the United States wasn't easy. They actually had a meeting to figure out who are the least necessary people in the White House. There was a lot of competition but Mike and Ivanka won out, and they're going.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

People are still excited about the Philadelphia Eagles winning their first Super Bowl! And did you know this? I read that Eagles coach Doug Pederson was coaching high school football just 10 years ago. Which sounds crazy, until you remember that just FIVE years ago, our president was firing Clay Aiken from a TV show.

The celebration got crazy back in Philly. People knocked over lamp posts, overturned a car, ran around naked, set things on fire — and that was just the mayor.

Paul Ryan posted a tweet where he bragged about how the GOP tax bill helped a woman earn an extra $1.50 a week. He would’ve gotten a lot of angry letters, but nobody wanted to spend their entire bonus on a stamp.

Over the weekend “Lady Doritos” was trending. There were reports that Doritos was launching a “lady-friendly” chip that is quieter and not as orange. And if that goes well, they’re gonna try to do the same thing with the president.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump yesterday praised the Republican tax bill on Twitter, saying, quote, “America is once again open for business!” And the rest of the world said, “Cool. Can we speak to your manager?”

According to reports, President Trump will release his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan on Monday. Apparently, he wants to take the weekend to practice saying “infrastructure.”

An Illinois high school teacher has come under fire after he included equations about cocaine and getting high in a homework assignment. Even scarier for the parents, all their kids got A’s.

Over 3 million people watched Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl” this Sunday. Followed by the tragic season finale of “This Is Pups.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

According to a recent article, President Trump’s lawyers want him to skip an interview with the head of the Russia investigation because they're afraid he'll lie under oath. Here's my question: Why wouldn't his lawyers just tell him to plead insanity? Everyone in the world would be like, "Yep, he's nuts."

If his lawyers really wanted him NOT do it, then just tell him to do it! Trump is like a child — if you tell him not to do something, it only makes him want to do it more. You know? "Donald! Don't you touch that interview! Donald? No! Donald!"

If Trump refuses the interview, Robert Mueller could subpoena him to testify before a grand jury. Which would be OK with Trump, provided it was the grandest jury, the most luxurious jury of all the juries.

After President Trump called Democrats "un-American" for not applauding him during the State of the Union speech, Democratic Sen. Tammy Duckworth tweeted at Trump about using his alleged bone spurs to get out of Vietnam. She tweeted, "I swore an oath to defend the Constitution... not to mindlessly cater to the whims of Cadet Bone Spurs." Which means now Trump is suffering from bone spurs AND third-degree burns.

I know that Trump started it, but is this where this country is right now? Politicians just calling each other names? Pretty soon pundits are going to be on cable news saying, "I thought the president made a good point when he said, 'I know you are, but what am I?'"

It was reported today that the country’s biggest electronics store, Best Buy, will stop selling CDs as of July 1. Now where will people go to NOT pay for music?

No CDs starting July 1, so mark your calendars, kids. In five months, you’re finally going to have to explain Spotify to your parents.

Elon Musk's company SpaceX is pretty amazing. They've successfully launched the world's most powerful rocket into space headed towards Mars. The rocket is named Falcon Heavy, although it prefers to be called Falcon Hey I'm Just Big-Boned.

A Girl Scout in San Diego sold 300 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in six hours after she set up shop in front of a weed dispensary. Genius! Even Elon Musk is like, “That’s pretty brilliant."



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

According to sources at the White House, Donald Trump's lawyers are telling him to refuse an interview with Robert Mueller “because the president, who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators.” It is a crack legal analysis from the law firm of No, S**t & Sherlock.

I know President Trump watches this show — because it’s on TV — so right now, I've got a special message for him: “Mr. President, ignore your lawyers. You follow your instincts and you sit down with Robert Mueller. Otherwise, everyone's going to think you're scared, but we know you're not.” Oh! Your fried chicken has arrived [picks up KFC bucket]. Wait, it's empty. Where is — oh, I think I know where the chicken is [flaps elbows and clucks]. Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk.

We're still dealing with the fallout of the infamous Republican memo written by House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes. Republicans hyped this dud for weeks, and the central argument of the memo is that the FBI was biased when they got a warrant to wiretap former Trump adviser Carter Page. Nunes says the FBI relied exclusively on the Steele dossier and never disclosed to the judge that the dossier was paid for by Trump's political opponents. Now, if true, that's a pretty damning charge. Spoiler alert: Not true. Turns out, the partisan nature of the dossier was mentioned in a footnote. Now, Nunes should learn how footnotes work. He's about to become one in history.


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