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Thursday Feb 01 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Justin Timberlake says there will be no 'N Sync reunion during the Super Bowl. The Patriots are upset because now it means they’ll be the most hated guys on the field.

It’s come out that President Trump’s director of communications, Hope Hicks, may have partially obstructed justice. Trump said he’s furious with Hicks because he hired her to fully obstruct justice.

President Trump has decided not to take part in the traditional presidential Super Bowl interview. Apparently, Trump is worried he might not pass the NFL’s concussion protocol.

The preserved forearm of a 16th century saint is on a tour across Canada. And get this... tickets are still available!

Today is the first day of Black History Month, which is why President Trump gave a shout-out to his three favorite black people: Ben Carson, Omarosa, and Ben Carson.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob.

Everyone’s excited. In fact, I saw that on StubHub, there’s a Super Bowl ticket listed at over $66,000. And the person who buys it will get to the stadium and say, “$10 for a beer? That’s crazy. Come on, man.”

Over on the Animal Planet, they’re holding their 14th annual Puppy Bowl. This year it will feature Team Ruff vs. Team Fluff. And if you’re curious which team is better, please visit www.gamblersanonymous.org.

Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer.

Omarosa is going to be a cast member on “Celebrity Big Brother.” She said that after a year in the White House, she just wanted to be in a house without so much drama.

Some more news out of Washington. The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania.

A man in Massachusetts went to claim a $10,000 lottery prize and found out that he misread the ticket and won $1 million. Later, his wife said, “Did you get the $10,000?” He was like, “Yes.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

According to CNN, FBI Director Christopher Wray has made it clear that he’s frustrated that President Trump is not listening to his advice regarding a controversial memo claiming the FBI abused surveillance laws. You’re surprised Trump didn’t listen to advice? This is the same guy who heard about the eclipse, and told the sun to bring it.

President Trump yesterday praised Chicago Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts’ appointment as the RNC’s new finance chairman, calling him a great addition. Yeah, great if you want to win one election every 108 years.

The Republican chair of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, yesterday claimed the changes made to a controversial memo about the FBI before he sent it to the White House were minor grammatical edits. That’s right. He had to make the grammar worse so Trump could read it.

President Trump today said that Sen. Orrin Hatch called him the greatest president in the history of our country. I guess Hatch is still mad at Abraham Lincoln for stealing his girlfriend in middle school.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday between the New England Patriots, and the Philadelphia Eagles. The game will determine whether Philadelphia is burned to the ground by happy fans or sad fans.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

This morning President Trump bragged about his State of the Union address, tweeting, “Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech, 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history.” Now here’s the thing: What Trump tweeted isn’t even remotely true. I know, shocking, shocking!

In fact, Trump’s State of the Union was the least-watched first State of the Union in 25 years. Which is impressive — I mean, they’re all pretty unwatchable. It’s amazing, really.

But 45.6 million people did watch his State of the Union, which is nearly one person for every standing ovation the Republicans gave him throughout the speech.

In other White House news, during an interview on CNN yesterday, when asked about Nancy Pelosi’s frown during the State of the Union, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said Pelosi “should smile a lot more often.” Snap! Is Sarah Sanders related to Colonel Sanders? Because she is salty as hell!

I am no fan of Sarah Sanders or the Trump administration, but isn’t part of the problem here that reporters are asking questions like mean girls? “Like, did you see Nancy Pelosi frowning during the speech? Oh my God, so do you guys, like, hate her, or like, hate her hate her?”

Sarah Sanders has a lot of nerve telling another woman to smile more when she herself literally has resting Grumpy Cat face [shows photo of Sanders alongside Grumpy Cat].

I’m sure you all know the Super Bowl is this Sunday, and President Trump has decided he won’t be taking part in a decade-old tradition of sitting down to do an interview before the big game. Which is fine with me. I can’t stand those casual football fans who only watch the Super Bowl for the presidential interviews.

But I think I know why Trump is staying away from this year’s Super Bowl between the Patriots and the Eagles. It is because he is afraid of eagles [plays clip of Trump dodging a bald eagle at his desk].

In other Super Bowl news, the Republican governor of South Carolina has issued a formal legal proclamation designating this Sunday as “Stand for the Flag Super Bowl Sunday,” encouraging people to stand for the national anthem wherever they are watching the game. Meanwhile, the mayor of Philadelphia issued a proclamation declaring Sunday “Scream at Your TV While the Patriots Win Another Super Bowl Day.”

Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there.


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