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Tuesday Dec 12 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the big Alabama Senate election. And, as promised, Roy Moore rode his horse to the polls. But it got weird when people said, “Can we vote for the horse?”

The horse Roy Moore rode was named Sassy. And what doesn’t say “I’m innocent” like a 70-year-old man riding a horse named Sassy?

Last night Roy Moore's wife tried to defend him against bigotry claims by saying, quote, "One of our attorneys is a Jew." Soooo, happy first night of Hanukkah, everyone!

President Trump was all over Twitter today. And I read that Vladimir Putin gets daily reports of Trump’s tweets. And every day, Putin reads them and says, “My God, what have I done?”

Speaking of tweets, Trump got in a Twitter fight with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand over his sexual assault allegations. Just this week he insulted a senator, endorsed Roy Moore, and called 20 women liars. It’s like he saw his approval rating was 32 and said, “I bet I can get it under 30 by the weekend.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore rode his horse to go vote in the special election. Because when Roy Moore is choosing a mode of transportation, he always asks himself, “What do 14-year-old girls like?”

Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said at a campaign rally yesterday that there was a “special place in hell” for Republicans who didn’t support Roy Moore. A special place? Is it the exit?

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that he is writing a book about his time at the White House called “The Briefing.” Not to be confused with Anthony Scaramucci’s book about his time at the White House called “The Briefest.”

Arby’s is currently testing a new sandwich called “The Arbynator” that features roast beef, curly fries, and both cheese and honey sauces. They named it after the Terminator because it’s the only sandwich that will make you want to go back in time and stop yourself from eating it.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

(Harry Styles Subbed for James Corden)

You may be wondering why I’m hosting tonight, and, yes, you’re right, Donald Trump finally got tired of all of James’ jokes and deported him back to England.

Just a half an hour ago, James and his wife, Jules, had a beautiful baby girl! In fact, I was just at the hospital before I came to fill in, and she looks a lot like James — mostly because James already looks like a giant baby.

Yesterday President Trump announced that he wants to send astronauts back to the moon for the first time in 45 years. And then the president was startled when Melania yelled, “I’ll go!”

In the past three months, airlines earned a record $1.2 billion just in baggage fees! But, I should say, they only received half of the money. The airlines lost the other half. They think it might be in Cleveland or Omaha — they’re not quite sure yet.

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Today’s the first night of Hanukkah, when good Jewish boys and girls spring from their beds to see their parents going to work because they don’t have the day off.

It’s also a big election day in Alabama. Long before the polls closed, one thing we do know is how Roy Moore got to the polls. He arrived on horseback! Yes! And I just want to say to Roy Moore, “Hello, you, and the horse you rode in on.”

The horse's name is Sassy. Well, I mean, that is a lovely name — for a magazine targeted at teenage girls. “Hiyo, Sassy! Off to the mall!”

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