Thursday Mar 15 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Everybody is into March Madness. Everybody bets — President Obama filled out a bracket. He picked Michigan State to win. President Trump, however, did not. He likes to wait to fill out his bracket until after the tournament so he can tell us that he got them all right.

Yet another day of March Madness for the president: According to the “failing” New York Times, special prosecutor Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization, the president’s company, demanding that they hand over any documents related to business they may have done in Russia. In an investigation like this, it is important to follow the money no matter how many porn stars it leads to.

Donald Trump, surprisingly, hasn’t tweeted about the subpoena yet. Probably because he doesn’t know how to spell the word subpoena.

There are rumors he may try to fire Robert Mueller, the guy who is investigating him, which — that would have to be it, right? At that point, we have to wait until he goes to Mar-a-Lago and lock him in it forever.

Trump said Mueller looking into his finances is a red line he wouldn’t allow to be crossed and now it is presumably being crossed. Why do I think this ends with Melania in a trench coat handing files over in an underground parking lot?

There are new developments in the case of Stormy Daniels, the adult film star who may or definitely did have sex with Donald Trump. She is trying to raise money to pay her legal fees. She launched a fundraising page on a website called So now you can give money to a porn star just like the president of the United States.

In 24 hours, she’s raised more than $135,000. I never would have thought giving money to a porn star would be an act of patriotism. But then, I never thought a guy who would get in a Twitter war with Cher would become president.

Every dollar you donate potentially brings us one step closer to seeing photos that will haunt our dreams forever.

Toys R Us is going out of business. They’re closing all 735 of their stores and they’re putting Babies R Us up for adoption.

I’ll always remember Toys R Us as the store where my children had a complete and total meltdown each and every time we went there. I guess people don’t enjoy that anymore. They buy toys on Amazon. Amazon will not rest until every other store is an abandoned warehouse teeming with raccoons.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

It’s spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.

Cancun, Mexico, was just named the best spring break destination, and thousands of Americans are expected to visit. And the people of Mexico were like, “Never thought we’d say this, but what’s the ETA on Trump’s wall?”

March Madness is officially underway. An interesting poll says that 17 percent of March Madness viewers watched the game with their boss last year. The bosses called it “tons of fun” while employees called it “mandatory.”

Today, President Trump had a meeting with Bill Gates. At one point, both looked at each other and went, “Wow, what a terrible haircut.”

Gates and Trump actually have a lot in common, because they’ve both given away millions of dollars. Gates calls it philanthropy, while Trump calls it hush money.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

According to The Washington Post, President Trump boasted at a fundraising dinner last night that he made up information in a meeting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Trump is so bad at lying, he lets the public immediately know he lied. If Trump ever had to take a lie detector test, he’d probably just draw the crazy lines himself.

According to The New York Times, special counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization to turn over documents, indicating the investigation will likely last for several more months. Look, I know you have to be thorough, but at this rate, by the time you’re done, our only ally will be Luxembourg, Eric will be secretary of state, and it’ll be illegal for me to make jokes about any of it.

When someone is drowning, you throw them a life preserver. You don’t throw them a nine-part DVD series on the history of swimming.

Special counsel Robert Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization to turn over documents, making it the first time Mueller demanded documents directly from Trump’s businesses. You think Trump’s businesses keep records? The Trump University textbooks were just Wikipedia pages printed out and stapled together.

According to Politico, the publishers of former FBI Director James Comey’s upcoming memoir are taking extreme precautions to prevent the manuscript from leaking. Yeah, it would be a shame if something got out at the wrong time and ruined everything for him.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett is offering his employees $1 million per year for the rest of their lives if they can fill out a perfect March Madness bracket. Buffett was like, “It’s just a fun little way to remind my employees that I can buy and sell each and every one of them.”

A new report has found that more animals have died while in the care of United Airlines than any other U.S. airline over the last three years. While animals who flew Spirit Airlines only WISHED they were dead.

According to ride-hailing app Uber — because if I said “Uber” you wouldn’t know what I meant — some of the most unique items forgotten in cars were a Burger King visor, divorce papers, and a Star Wars encyclopedia. Although maybe if you’d lost the Burger King visor and the Star Wars encyclopedia earlier, Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten divorced.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Elon Musk has announced that his company SpaceX will be ready to fly an unmanned rocket to Mars and back by 2019. And shortly thereafter, they’ll be able to send people there to colonize the planet. You know, just in case you-know-who is re-elected to the you-know-what.

The name of the rocket is the BFR, or the Big Falcon Rocket. And I’ve got to tell you, it’s pretty mother-falcon impressive. When I saw it, I was like, “What the falc? Are you falcon kidding me?”

After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city’s excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell — or, as that’s called in New York, the subway.

Alabama will no longer be overwhelmed by the stench of New York’s raw sewage, so congratulations, New Jersey! You’re back in business!

Earlier this week, the Church of Scientology premiered its very own television network, which will stream on various platforms. It’s like any other network, except every show is a cult hit.

Now, many people are wondering whether a religion can also be a TV network, and then Fox News was like, “Ahem, ahem.” It’s what they do at Fox News all the time.

If you’re unhappy at work, you should know about a new study that proves employees feel less resentful and improve the quality of their work if they’re allowed to — get this — stab voodoo dolls of their boss. During the study, employees stuck their voodoo dolls with pins, they burned them with candles, and pinched them with pliers. Or, if they really, really wanted to do some damage, they talked to the doll for 45 minutes about their juice cleanse.

They stab dolls of their bosses to relieve on-the-job stress, and it completely works, because their bosses found out about it, they lost their jobs, and now they don’t have any on-the-job stress at all.

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