Thursday Jan 18 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

North Korea has announced that it will send a group of citizens called the “cheering squad” to next month’s Winter Olympics. And many of them are expected to actually compete in a new event called the “400 Meter Defection.”

Doctors are saying the result of President Trump’s physical revealed that he is borderline obese. In fairness, he did promise us growth.

After the results of his physical were released, many Americans are claiming President Trump is lying about his weight. In other words, maybe he really is one of us.

Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.”

President Trump is now claiming his approval rating among black Americans has doubled. In other words, Ben Carson voted twice.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

The big story today was that Congress had just one day left to prevent a government shutdown. But don’t worry, it will only affect nonessential government employees like park rangers, museum guides, and the president. So that will be fine.

I guess Congress had 24 hours to pass a short-term spending bill if they want to avoid a shutdown. Trump told them to do their jobs, then went back to announcing the winners of a made-up awards show.

Last night Trump tweeted a link to his fake-news awards page. But for a while, it wouldn’t load. His IT guy was like [imitates Putin], “Sorry, my trolls can only build so fast.”

Trump named The New York Times, ABC News, and CNN as the top three reporters of fake news. His top three reporters of real news were Fox News, his Magic 8-ball, and Snapple caps.

Trump actually has two cellphones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.

Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.”

Two new ax-throwing bars will open in Boston this year. Boston is getting a new bar where people can try ax-throwing. So far, all the customers give it one-and-a-half thumbs up.

Sunday is the AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Jaguars. But Tom Brady injured his hand. People said, “What happened?” He said, “You know that new ax-throwing bar?”

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump claimed that he scored higher on his cognitive test than all his predecessors. His psychological test could use a little work, though [shows three Rorschach images]: “Hillary Clinton in prison… Hillary Clinton in prison… A butterfly talking to Hillary Clinton in prison.”

Following several postponements, Vice President Mike Pence will finally begin his trip to the Middle East tomorrow. Apparently, it took them a long time to get his face to show up in front of a white background for his passport photo.

In a new interview, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said that he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. Though based on his mustache, he’s not great at estimating how long something will last.

Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

A funeral home in Canada is reportedly under investigation after they cremated the wrong woman’s body. Even after she told them, “Stop! I’m the wrong woman!”

Zac Efron will play serial killer Ted Bundy in an upcoming movie. Even weirder, the movie is “High School Musical 4.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

President Trump’s border wall is back in the news. Because while speaking to the Hispanic caucus in Washington yesterday, chief of staff John Kelly told lawmakers that when Trump promised voters a Mexican border wall during his campaign, he had not been, quote, “fully informed.” Now to be fair, “not fully informed” could describe literally any statement Trump has made since 2003.

Trump immediately shot back at this, saying his plan for a border wall remains the same. He tweeted, “The wall is the wall. It has never changed or evolved from the first day I conceived of it.” Great, now he thinks he invented walls.

“The wall is the wall.” It sounds like Mark Wahlberg referring to himself in the third person.

I can’t believe Trump and his chief of staff are fighting in public like this. But I’ve got to say, what I am really looking forward to is what nickname Trump is going to use when he eventually attacks Gen. Kelly on Twitter. Right now, my money is on Smelly Kelly. But I should say, if you are a betting person, here are the current Vegas odds right now [shows betting pool]: Jelly Belly Kelly is at 2 to 1, while John “The John as in Toilet!” Kelly is 6 to 1. A dark horse at 11 to 1 is “Kellyanne Johnway.” And at 16 to 1, gaining pace, is “Genital John Kelly.” So place your bets, good luck, everyone.

After his doctor earlier this week said that he would recommend Trump exercise more, the president said yesterday that he gets “more exercise than people think.” Does he? I am not sure backpedaling on campaign promises counts as exercise.

Although, many doctors agree that Trump tweets so furiously, it technically counts as cardio.

In Touch magazine is set to drop a 5,000-word interview with porn star Stormy Daniels about a 2006 affair when she allegedly had sex with Donald Trump. All 5,000 of those words are “ew, ew, ew, ew.”

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