Wednesday Aug 15 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it.

Omarosa said that she was interviewed by the head of the Russia investigation, Robert Mueller. Before they started, Mueller said, "This interview is being recorded." And Omarosa was like, "Yeah, I know — I'm the one recording it. I should be telling YOU that."

On "Fox & Friends" this morning, Brian Kilmeade said that Omarosa had outsmarted Trump. But to be fair, Trump also been outsmarted by the child safety locks in his limo.

In the past few weeks, Trump has insulted several notable African-Americans like Omarosa, LeBron James, and Don Lemon. But today, Trump said he’ll stop — ’cause those are all the African-Americans he knows.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders couldn't guarantee that there's no tape of Trump using racial slurs. Sarah said, "At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it."

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee."

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Magician and former “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Penn Jillette has come forward to say he heard President Trump make racially insensitive comments on set. Meanwhile, Teller hasn't said a word.

Vice President Mike Pence appeared today in Iowa to give a speech about taxes. I'm not saying the speech was boring, but it is being offered as a new setting on white noise machines.

A theme park in France has started using trained birds to pick up trash in exchange for a food reward. Unfortunately, none of them could lift Gerard Depardieu.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Following recent accusations of President Trump's racist behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders has gotten into some trouble of her own. Yesterday she was caught during a press briefing making false claims about the number of jobs Trump has created for African-Americans. Although if you believe Omarosa, the biggest lie was that the White House used the term African-Americans.

Later Sanders issued an apology on Twitter, saying, "I'm sorry for the mistake, but no apologies for the 700,000 jobs for African-Americans created under President Trump." She then went on to say, "Except for Omarosa. That's our bad."

Later this week the president is scheduled to attend a fundraiser in the Hamptons hosted by his friend Howard Lorber, the head of Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs. I have to tell you, I find this shocking. How is the head of Nathan's Hot Dogs not named Nathan?

It'll be a huge get-together for Trump. One is a disgusting hodge-podge of unhealthy meat wrapped in a leathery casing, the other is a Nathan's hot dog.

But Trump will be there for a fundraiser. Also, he's going to defend his record of eating 63 hot dogs in under 10 minutes.

According to a new article, Donald Trump Jr. and his girlfriend, former Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, have cute new nicknames for each other. He refers to her as Pooh Bear and she refers to him as Junior Mint. I guess Junior Mint will do until he gets his soon-to-come nickname, Federal Inmate #7544.

This could get confusing for Donald Jr. because inside the White House, his brother, Eric, is also known as Pooh Bear, but that's just because he's usually wandering around without pants looking for snacks.

Apparently those two aren't the only ones in Trump's circle with cutesy nicknames. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is known as Fun Size. Son-in-law Jared Kushner is known as the Gummy Worm. Vice President Mike Pence goes by the nickname Mike Pence. And Donald Trump's daughter Tiffany is fondly referred to as Oh, Hey You.

After a large parrot escaped from its London home, a firefighter attempted to rescue the bird off a nearby roof. Apparently the bird's owner told the firefighter to go up there and say, "I love you." And the parrot responded with “[bleep] off.” Although the story does have a happy ending. The parrot has just been hired as Donald Trump's new press secretary.

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