Thursday Nov 16 2017

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that as many as four elected officials have NOT been accused of sexual harassment.

Radio host Leeann Tweeden came forward and said Sen. Al Franken groped her without her consent. And she posted a photo as evidence. In fact, it’s so bad Franken’s already a front runner for president in 2020.

Meanwhile it’s been reported Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore would hang out in the mall in the ’80s and try to get teenagers’ phone numbers. He got a lot of numbers, but they were all for Jenny at 867-5309.

Two more women have come forward accusing Roy Moore of making unwanted advances at the mall, which explains that new slogan, “Amazon: So you don’t run into Roy Moore at the mall.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Have you been following this story about the UCLA basketball players who were arrested in China for shoplifting? President Trump helped get them released and yesterday they publicly thanked him. So today, Donald Trump tweeted, “To the three UCLA basketball players I say: You’re welcome.”

He also tweeted, “Have a great life! Be careful, there are many pitfalls on the long and winding road of life!” This guy goes on one presidential trip to Asia and now he’s writing Chinese proverbs.

A piece of wedding cake from Donald and Melania Trump’s wedding is currently up for auction. The 12-year-old piece of cake is being marketed as a rare collector’s item. I can’t believe it lasted this long. Not the cake, the marriage.

This piece of cake is expected to go for over $1,000. What a rip-off. If I want to eat a 12-year-old piece of cake, I’ll go to the liquor store and buy some dusty Twinkies like a normal person.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Astronomers have discovered a previously unknown planet only 11 light years from Earth that could possibly support human life. They call it Ross 128-b. Which sounds like a “Friends” spinoff where David Schwimmer is divorced from Rachel and forced to live alone in a sad apartment.

But it’s not, it’s a planet. It might have water, which would make it possible to sustain life. As far as they know, Donald Trump is not president there. Do you know NASA didn’t even start looking for new planets until after Donald Trump was elected president?

So they have a plan to test whether this new planet is habitable. This is interesting. They’re going to send Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey up there.

Meanwhile, here on Earth, the House passed the GOP-backed tax plan today, which is very good news for billionaires and also just your average run-of-the mill millionaires too. The bill would shift the tax burden from the wealthy to people who really should be paying more, like college students.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is calling for an ethics investigation into accusations that Sen. Al Franken sexually assaulted a woman in 2006. Because Mitch McConnell absolutely will not stand for sexual harassment — by Democrats.

President Trump met with Republican lawmakers in the basement of the Capitol today just before they voted on the new tax reform bill, and nobody was more excited to see them down there than Eric. “Welcome to my basement, Father! Father, come. The bucket is a chair.”

President Trump reportedly joked to House Republicans today that he only likes between 30 to 40 percent of them. His kids were like, “Don’t worry, he says that all of the time.”

According to a new study, sweat might one day be used to unlock smartphones. So get ready to all be hacked by Steve Bannon.

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