Thursday Aug 16 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

President Trump is busy planning a parade around Veterans Day in Washington, D.C. And remember last month they said this parade would cost $12 million? Turns out the estimate was a little bit off — it was off by about $80 million. According to a Defense official, the parade is now expected to cost $92 million. But don't worry, I'm sure he'll get Mexico to pay for this one, too.

According to a new poll, a majority of Republicans believe the news media is the "enemy of the people." Which is — we all know the enemy of the people is gluten.

Trump found a new way to suppress those who dare criticize him. He took the rare and unusual step of revoking the security clearance held by former CIA Director John Brennan. Trump said he revoked Brennan's clearance because of risks posed by his "erratic behavior, for making unfounded, outrageous allegations and wild outbursts on the internet." In other words, he literally described himself.

John Brennan was the point person for the operation that killed Osama bin Laden. But that was under the Obama administration. Trump really wants to undo anything Obama did. My sources tell me he wants to have bin Laden brought back to life so he can kill him himself.

Today by the way, I don't know if you know this, is National Tell a Joke Day. Here's one. Why did Donald Trump cross the road? OK, first of all, he never crossed the road, that's fake news.

Second of all, the people who were accusing him of crossing the road? THEY’RE the ones who crossed the road.

Third, Hillary Clinton crossed a bunch of roads and the media never asked about that.

Fourth, if he did cross it, it was totally legal. The light was green.

Fifth, Donald Trump is a successful businessman who knows more about roads than any of you ever will.

Sixth, the stock market is at an all-time high, but all you want to talk about is crossing roads.

Seventh, the road-crossing investigation is a politically motivated witch hunt.

Eighth, the real question is how do we stop illegal immigrants from crossing the roads?

Nine, Vladimir Putin is a good guy. Love to hold hands and cross the road with him.

Tenth, Donald Trump crossed the road to make this country great again. So thank you, and no more questions.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today Omarosa released another secret recording. On this one, Eric Trump's wife, Lara, offers Omarosa $180,000 so she won't say anything negative about the White House. Then Melania said, "Hey, that's WAY more than I'm getting."

Lara offered Omarosa 180 grand to keep quiet about her time in the administration. Listen to this: [Audio of Lara Trump] "I think we can work something out where we keep you right along those lines. We're talking about, like, 15k a month." $180,000. Does that sound like a fair deal for you? In response, Lara said, "I am so embarrassed about this tape. Now everyone will know that I'm married to Eric Trump."

In her book "Unhinged," Omarosa says the White House staff has immediate access to any prescription drugs they need. Americans heard that and were like, "Yeah, we all did. It was called Obamacare."

Best Buy just purchased a company that provides emergency response services. So, next time you're having a heart attack, don't worry, the Geek Squad will be over tomorrow between 2:00 and 4:00 to save your life.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Former White House aide Omarosa Manigault released a fourth secret recording today. Apparently she hid the microphone somewhere Trump would never find it — in a salad.

Democrats and some Republicans are voicing concerns about President Trump's proposed military parade and feel the event may come off as totalitarian. You think? That's like someone being worried that the Pride Parade is going to come off as a little bit gay.

President Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence today. He didn't mean to. He just asked a waiter for a side of mayo and they brought Pence over.

President Trump tweeted today that there is nothing that he would want more for the country than true freedom of the press. And then even the Twitter bird rolled its eyes.

According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

As you know, President Trump frequently lashes out at the media, calling it "fake news." Well today, close to 350 newspapers across the United States coordinated to publish editorials criticizing Trump's attacks — 350 newspapers ran these editorials. That has to be, like, 800 readers!

All of these newspapers coordinated together, because nothing will convince Trump that the media isn't aligned against him quite like every newspaper running anti-Trump editorials on the same day. And just to make sure that Trump sees them all, each editorial begins with "Two-for-one Big Macs."

In an interview yesterday, while discussing how he'll be going out on the campaign trail for the midterm elections, President Trump said, "I think the Democrats give up when I turn out." Only Donald Trump would consider it a compliment that people get depressed whenever he's around.

Trump went on to say that he will be going on the road and making 50 campaign stops, but he has "no problem with that." You know who else doesn't have a problem with that? Melania. "Go, go. Take all the time you need. Make 100 stops! See the sights!"

In other Trump news, yesterday, the president's lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he's losing patience with special counsel Robert Mueller's Russia investigation and urged Mueller to "write the damn report." Rudy Giuliani is losing his patience. Which would be a shame. You'd hate for him to lose anything else. He's already lost his dignity and his reputation and his marbles!

Giuliani also said, "If he doesn't get it done in the next two or three weeks, we will just unload on him like a ton of bricks." And they're going to get that ton of bricks from one of Trump's failed construction projects.

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