Dating sex and married sex are two different animals, actually. I’ve been listening to couples talk about sexual problems for over three decades, so I’m going to tell you several common mistakes I see in my office that men make.
Problem #1: You use sex as a stress reliever and she does not.
You probably use sex to relax. Men who don’t have any sexual problems do use partnered sex to relax. This works well because once men are aroused, they get to the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
This means that no matter what other thought comes into their head, if they get aroused enough, they will come to orgasm.
Married women with a lot on their plates don’t use spontaneous sex to relax. Women are way more distractable than men. So a busy woman who was already fretting about something on her to do list isn’t a great candidate for spontaneous and enjoyable sex.
Try asking her how she’s feeling and what her stress level is before initiating sex. If her stress level is high, there might be a better time to initiate.
Problem #2: Your wife likes sex, but you have a sexual dysfunction that interrupts her pleasure, and you refuse to get help.
The angriest women I see in my sex therapy practice are the wives of men who have ignored getting treatment for their sexual problems.
You’ll earn a lot of points if you initiate seeking a qualified sex therapist to begin to address your sexual problems. (A good source is www.AASECT.org).
Problem #3: You go too fast.
Men and women actually respond to touch quite differently. Most men are very happy to be touched in their primary erogenous zones as much and is often as is practical and appropriate.
Women need to be warmed up by whole-body touches that make them feel cherished emotionally and aroused sexually before they want to have their primary erogenous zones touched.
I know, it’s counterintuitive. Usually we figure out how to be nice to another person by thinking about what we would like.
In this case, it just doesn’t work. So when it comes to loving touches and increasing intimacy, treading more lightly just might be the trick.
You can tell if your wife wants you to be more aggressive by her behavior. If she wants your approach to be faster, rougher, or spicier, her sexual behavior towards you will indicate that.
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