Doris Wild Helmering is a nationally known marriage and relationship counselor, weight loss expert, television and radio personality, and business management coach. She is author of nine books, 1,200 newspaper columns, six e-booklets, and has written for Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Self, and Scripps Howard News Service. She has been a guest on OPRAH, Good Morning America, and CNN. She received the Alumni Merit Award from St. Louis University for advancing the field of psychotherapy and the Woman of Achievement Award from Soroptimist International. She was awarded clinical status in the American Group Psychotherapy Association and the International Transactional Analysis Association.

You can visit her website at: www.doriswildhelmering.com .

Tags: moodiness | marriage | counseling

Moody People Ruin Relationships

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Thursday, 13 June 2019 04:21 PM Current | Bio | Archive

When your moodiness is beginning to affect your marriage and family, it's time to do something about it.

Are you a moody person? Do you have to deal with someone who's moody? A mate? A boss? A child? A co-worker?

In a marriage counseling session, a husband complained that the past weekend had not been good. His wife had been in one of her moods.

I asked the wife what the husband meant. She shrugged and looked at him. He said, "Just what she's doing now. She won't talk; she refuses to comment on what you say; she acts like the kids and I don't exist. And it doesn't matter what we do to try to be nice."

He explained that the family can clean the house, cook the meals, and buy her a present, and she still won't snap out of it. In fact, last year their eleven-year-old gave her a coffee mug that said, "Snap Out of It."

I asked Marilyn if what her husband was describing about her was accurate. She shrugged and said yes. Then she said, "It's just the way I am." When she gets in one of those moods, she said, she wants people to leave her alone. Not talk to her, not try to cheer her up.

I asked how often her moodiness struck. She said a few times a month. Her husband said about once a week.

How long do her moods last? They both agreed -- two or three days.

I asked if she saw her moodiness as a problem. She was noncommittal but added that all her family was like this and her husband had known she was moody before he married her.

He said he had thought her moodiness was because of the stress of the wedding and her dad being sick at the time. He never dreamed it would be something he'd have to live with for the rest of their married life.

I asked if she saw her moodiness as something she wanted to work on to make things better at home with her husband and children.

She said, "Not particularly."

I asked if she understood how destructive her moods were to her marriage, her children, and herself.

She wanted to know how.

I said that each time she gets in one of her moods, she emotionally leaves the family. She's not available for anyone. She closes everyone out. She discounts everyone's existence. She sucks up the family's energy as all wait for her to be in a better mood.

And I said I suspect during her moodiness she can't possibly enjoy life or feel close to anyone.

She asked what she could do about her moods. I said she'd have to want to make a change. And I wasn't so sure she was ready. She agreed.

I said my usual routine would be to quickly review her childhood and see who she learned this behavior from and how it served her as a child. This would take no more than a half session. I'd also send her to her doctor to make sure she was okay physically. I'd have her make a list of the advantages she saw in being moody.

She said, "Such as?"

I said, "Well, when you're moody, everyone is watching you, trying to please you. Maybe you get out of cooking, doing housework. Maybe you get to take a nap, guilt free. People don't keep a behavior around unless they get a payoff. Sometimes understanding the payoff helps people give up the behavior."

Another thing -- when a bad mood starts, I want her to do some things immediately to help herself shake it off. Research shows that if you get a project going such as cleaning the garage, or if you do something for someone else such as running an errand, your bad mood will dissipate. Also, no television or alcohol when she's in a bad mood, as both of these things exacerbate the bad feelings.

She said, "You feel pretty strongly about getting me to be in a better mood."

I said, "I do because it's miserable for your family and ultimately miserable for you.

Check out Doris’ latest books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World,” “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide,” and “Thin Becomes You”.at Doris’ web page: www.doriswildhelmering.com.

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When your moodiness is beginning to affect your marriage and family, it's time to do something about it.
moodiness, marriage, counseling
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2019-21-13
Thursday, 13 June 2019 04:21 PM
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