Patti, my best friend of several decades, and I were chatting, as we do each week, about how challenging last year was.
And she told me how wonderful it had been when she and her husband, Jimmy, had dined recently in a restaurant on the edge of the water so they could watch the sunset.
It was so beautiful and calming that thoughts of the last year just faded out of her mind.
“It is such a blessing that you and Jimmy have each other to share those moments,” I told her.
“Yes, I know I am blessed,” she said. “At church the other day I was guiding some other women on how to approach marriage.”
Her rendition was so lovely I decided to share it here. I am going to meld her words with mine as our perspectives are identical.
The vows to love, honor, cherish and to hold only each to the other in sickness and health, etc., are said in haste during the wedding ceremony. Marriages have times when each spouse feels disconnected from and discontented with the other.
However, each vowed to be committed. Commitment means to weather those times.
Yes, but what do you do while you are weathering?
Imagine that when you took your vows you literally took your beloved’s heart in your hands, to hold and protect and treat kindly, gently, tenderly. That immediately changes the perspective of “what will you, and the marriage, do for me,” to “how can I bring peace and joy to the condition of the heart I am holding.”
When two people think less of their daily frustrations, expectations, and annoyances, and more of the heart of the other that they took charge of, they will more likely be kind.
If a spouse’s only thought was of being kind, strife and misery would evaporate.
Imagine if, rather than taking out your bad mood, you came to your spouse and did something touching and devoted. Even bringing them something silly like a blueberry muffin from Starbucks. Your mood would be lifted and they would be moved by your thoughtful tenderness.
It is not that difficult to have a rewarding marriage. It requires that you choose wisely in the first place, and then tend to their heart.
I have Dr. Laura Facebook and Instagram pages for communicating to my audience. Each day we post several hopefully inspiring words and pictures to motivate awareness and kindness and responsibility.
When I post something about a woman not nagging or neglecting her husband, the comments are filled with thumbs up in agreement and then, typically, a spate of hostile and critical outbursts and hate and disrespect toward their husbands.
Usually, these are met with other men and women reminding them that if indeed their spouse is so terrible, to remember they chose them — and/or maybe aren’t treating them kindly enough to get a lovely response.
One caller recently said she was getting a divorce and was just checking in with me. The way she described her husband, he sounded more like a sad man than a bad man.
Also, there were minor children involved and I hoped there was some way to resurrect the love and respect they once both had for each other.
I explained to her that most men withdraw when they are not happy. They generally know they can’t win the battle when they ask for more affection, attention, admiration and respect. That’s why they withdraw.
I offered an experiment: “How about you pull out all the stops and slather him with all the gooey, lovey, thoughtful, sexy, kind and fun stuff you used to when you both came together.”
I asked her to try this for one week and to see if indeed, he was a bad man or a sad man. A bad man will not be moved. A sad man would be eternally grateful.
The change in the dynamic between husband and wife can change overnight. Why? All each of us wants is to know our hearts are safe in the hands of our beloved.
Dr. Laura (Laura Schlessinger) is a well-known radio personality and best-selling author. She appears regularly on many television shows and in many publications. Read Dr. Laura's Reports — More Here.
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