Tags: Health Topics | disapointment | hurt | pregnant

When a Relationship Gets Cold, Warm It Up!

relationships and birthdays

By Wednesday, 12 February 2020 09:30 AM Current | Bio | Archive

There is a lesson in what I’m going to tell you — but I’m mostly excited about the course of events with a recent caller.

A woman called whining, pouting, and complaining about . . . everything.

And it was to be her birthday the very next day.

Specifically, she was agitated that she had asked her husband if he had anything planned for her birthday. She said he looked a bit distracted and said that he didn’t have anything in mind. She was furious and hurt. She went on and on about all she does for the family — taking care of the home and the kids.

And to add to the emotional situation, she was hormonal from being pregnant.

I listened to her and did not do my usual questioning.

I normally ask things like: “Has he missed doing something for your birthday before?" or "What gives you the sense that he has changed his feelings for you and would not want to make you happy?" or "Has something happened recently at work/health/extended family which would distract him?"

Go ahead, ask me why I didn’t ask. Well, here is my answer: I just had a feeling. Yup, as simple as that. And after over four decades of talking to people about their lives and feelings, I think I’ve developed an eighth sense that even surprises me. But I trust it.

So, I said to her: "Tomorrow isn’t here yet."


She complained because she wanted the feelings that she had right at this minute to be the ultimate truth of her life. "Tomorrow isn’t here yet," I said again.

She went on protesting that she didn’t know how to behave with him for the rest of the day and what she should do tomorrow when nothing happens to acknowledge her birthday!

"Tomorrow isn’t here yet," I said again. At this point I even thought I was setting a bomb to explode by asking her to wait until tomorrow.

"Wait until tomorrow and then call me," I offered. I just had this feeling.

She mentioned at this point that she realized she often borrows trouble. Oh — insight! That phrase means that she often works herself up by anticipating worst-case scenarios and spends time suffering way before it would be necessary.

That is a self-destructive process many people share. It is as though they are preparing for the big disappointment or hurt by suffering even before the assault occurs.

For some it is a defense mechanism, related to "shoot before you see the whites of their eyes." If they conjure up their own pain, they actually believe on some level that this will be less painful than the real thing.

Punch line coming! She called me back the next day laughing like crazy and happy as hot apple pie. He started the morning off with attention and festivities and it was to continue in different ways all day long.

She offered that she was a bit ashamed that she didn’t trust him to do something kind and loving for her, as he was a wonderful man. We chatted back and forth and I reminded her to definitely reciprocate love with gratitude and more love. She said she would.

I know there are some people who live by the notion that you expect little and you won’t be hurt or disappointed. Maybe so, but you also spend time without the pleasure of anticipation of beauty and happiness.

She had no real reason to assume disappointment. But some of you know darn well that a relationship or situation is probably so troubled that it is difficult to imagine a flower blooming. May I suggest that when you realize things have gotten that "cold" that you do something to warm them up?

"Honey, I realize things have been unhappy for us both and you probably and reasonably didn’t feel like doing something for my birthday because we both have stopped giving.

"I set up a nice dinner and walk for us to celebrate my birthday as a turning point for our relationship. We have stopped holding each other close physically and emotionally — and that is the main problem, not the stupid arguments. So let’s make this the birthday of our relationship reestablishing itself in love."

Why not try that?

Dr. Laura (Laura Schlessinger) is a well-known radio personality and best-selling author. She appears regularly on many television shows and in many publications. Read more reports from Dr. Laura — Click Here Now.

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I know there are some people who live by the notion that you expect little and you won’t be hurt or disappointed. Maybe so, but you also spend time without the pleasure of anticipation of beauty and happiness.
disapointment, hurt, pregnant
Wednesday, 12 February 2020 09:30 AM
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