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White Men Can't Jump or Judge Well

By Sunday, 31 May 2009 03:57 PM Current | Bio | Archive

The white male experience is a rich and storied one. Begun anywhere from 20,000 to 50,000 years ago, thanks largely to a skin-lightening gene mutation, white men have a fascinating and unique history, an inviting and warm culture, and the kinds of quirky customs that make anthropologists giddy.

White man has contributed an inordinate amount to modern society. Advances in nearly every discipline, including engineering, medicine, optics, architecture, philosophy and the arts, have plucky, hard-working, (sometimes wig-wearing) white men behind them. The first steam engine? You can thank a bunch of white guys. Canned beer? The brainchild of Gottfried Krueger — you guessed it, a white guy. The Zone diet? White dude. American Idol? White bloke. Gangsta rap? Okay, that was black guys — but white guys love it.

Famous white men include Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Winston Churchill, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Tom Arnold.

White men in America bring their unique ethnic and anatomical sensibilities to their worldviews, and therefore offer distinct and interesting perspectives on a myriad of social issues that other ethnicities, and people with female sex organs, simply cannot understand.

For example, many American white men are known to enjoy a European endurance game called golf. The game often takes place at a country club, where expensive alcoholic beverages are consumed, collared polo shirts are worn, and stock tips are shared routinely. Because of this, white men are uniquely qualified for jobs in finance.

Additionally, white men often are spotted in their back yards, inside their homes, and in their driveways maintaining, building, or fixing things. This can mean mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, painting the attic, installing hardwood floors, caulking tile, pouring asphalt, building bookshelves and hammering wood. Because of their natural fascination with building, and their uncanny dexterity with power tools — the phrase “tool around the house” can be attributed to white men — they are excellent candidates for construction jobs.

White men are also known to enjoy a popular spectator motor sport called NASCAR, whereby 43 high-performance racecars are driven around a track for hundreds of miles. The sport demands a skilled knowledge of engines and mechanics. As such, white men are particularly well suited for jobs in the automobile industry.

According to the prestigious anthropological online think tank, “Stuff White People Like” (www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com) white men are also known to enjoy Bob Marley, New Balance shoes, Asian girls, bicycles, the Sunday New York Times and living by the water, which makes white men well-qualified for a number of respective careers and endeavors that women and non-whites simply cannot perform as well.

On the other hand, there are many areas in which white men are less than capable. White men aren’t very coordinated, for one, and have a tricky time with rhythm. For this reason they should probably avoid careers in music and dance, and leave that to women and non-white men like Paula Abdul and Usher. Basketball doesn’t seem to be a strength either, with few rare exceptions. Over millions of weeks of evolution, the white man has shrunk, and has become better adapted to watch basketball on television while wearing ill-fitting jerseys, and less equipped to actually do it.

And in a groundbreaking moment of scientific discovery, it just recently was determined that Latina women – and not white men – are best suited for jobs as judges. White men simply don’t have the empathy that Latina women possess, and judges require empathy to decide on important cases. It is still unclear if empathy is an inherited trait, and one that Latina women are born with, or if it is something the Latina comes to possess through her unique and rich life experiences.

Because of the singular experience of the white man in America — middle-class upbringing, penchant for outdoor sports, inability to dance, affinity for HBO’s “Entourage” — they are naturally more understanding of the plight of other white men of similar backgrounds. You wouldn’t, for example, want a white man to judge a contest, because he will always favor white men like himself.

The great modern sociologist, Michael Moore, wrote the definitive work on the species, titled “Stupid White Men,” in 2002. In it, he suggests that white men can best be explained by the movie “Dude, Where’s My Car,” and postulates after much fieldwork that white Southern men were simply too hot to come up with any good ideas that advanced civilization.

Indeed the white man is a fascinating and unique people, with much to offer the world. His limitations aside, we can all agree that we are a better place for the contributions of white men. Three cheers for sunscreen — also the invention of a white man, obviously.

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The white male experience is a rich and storied one. Begun anywhere from 20,000 to 50,000 years ago, thanks largely to a skin-lightening gene mutation, white men have a fascinating and unique history, an inviting and warm culture, and the kinds of quirky customs that make...
Sunday, 31 May 2009 03:57 PM
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