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Friday Jul 12 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

U.S. immigration authorities have begun flying deportees deep into Mexico in an effort to discourage them from returning. It’s not working out well. What happens is they fly down to Mexico and then use their frequent-flier miles to get a free flight back to San Diego.

The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong.

According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form.

The latest guy in the NFL to get arrested is New England Patriots' cornerback Alfonzo Dennard. He was arrested again, this time for a DUI. So at least Aaron Hernandez will have somebody to play catch with.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Richard Simmons is 65 today. For some reason, middle-aged women love Richard Simmons. He is so beloved by middle-aged women, they recently made him an honorary cat.

Richard Simmons' "Sweating to the Oldies" was unique because he had real people in it, not models. Personally, when I want to see real people exercise, I go to the gym and stare at people. They call me the stare master.

Richard Simmons is 65 today. He's now officially an oldie you can sweat to.

In 2004 a man who said he was slapped by Richard Simmons actually filed charges. What kind of a man says he got beat up by Richard Simmons? A man who wants money! Admitting to getting beaten up by Richard Simmons is like saying you got beat up by an Olsen twin.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, “What's it like being the most powerful person in the world?” And Obama was like, “I dunno. Ask Beyonce.”

Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist.

The average price for a One Direction concert ticket has climbed to $674. Which is why I usually just wear a shirt that says “Security.”

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