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Monday Jun 24 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He's in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn't watching was him?

The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.

In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.

Scientists in Japan say that by the end of 2013 they're going to be growing human organs in pigs and transplanting them into humans. How ironic is that? They'll be able to give you a new heart grown in a pig to replace the old heart which got clogged up from too much pork.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

This guy Edward Snowden — there's a global hunt for this guy. They don't know where he is. He might be in our audience right now.

No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment. He released a statement that says, "No one will find me unless some big-mouth jerk starts blabbing."

Hostess announced that Twinkies will be back on store shelves in July. They reassured fans that it will not only be the same recipe from last year, but it will also be the same Twinkies.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their newborn girl North West. The baby was named after the direction in which it will try to escape.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

We had a rough, horrible audience Friday night. Halfway through the show, they were seeking asylum in Ecuador.

This guy Edward Snowden went to Russia — that's one of his stops — and now he's apparently trying to get asylum in Ecuador. Ecuador is where everybody wants to go, right?

Kim Kardashian had a little baby girl, and Kanye West finally popped the question: "How do I of get out of this?"

Actually, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to get married. And I was looking at the guy and I thought, "Gee, I wonder if he's ready for a 72-day commitment."

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Tonight on CBS is "Under the Dome," from Stephen King. It is what networks call "an event series." If it's a hit, CBS will put domes in all their shows. It will be "Two and a Half Domes," "Two Broke Domes," "Let's Make a Dome," and "The Domey Awards," hosted by Neil Patrick Dome.

The premise of "Under the Dome" is a town in Maine finds itself under a dome and no one knows why. People have criticized Stephen King because he uses the plot of "The Simpson's Movie." King says he's never seen that movie. You don't have time to watch movies when you're churning out 50 best-sellers each month.

Tonight on "Under the Dome," the dome slammed down and a cow gets cut in half. Witnesses described it as terrifying and delicious.

To me, this dome slamming down is an allegory for our dependence on social media and how it isolates us from each other. Actually, I made that up. It is about cows getting smooshed by a dome.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Paula Deen is having a difficult week. She was deposed as part of a discrimination lawsuit filed against her. The attorney for the other side asked if she's ever used the N-word, and she said, yes, of course. If a lawyer asks you if you've ever used the N-word, the only thing you can say worse than "yes" is "yes, of course."

On Friday the Food Network announced they would not renew Paula Deen's contract, and today Smithfield, a company for whom she endorsed pork products, also severed ties with Deen. Even the other white meat is turning on her.

Pork severing ties with Paula Deen is like spinach cutting ties with Popeye.

Paula Deen was supposed to appear on the "Today" show but instead she posted three very awkward apology videos online. The first one was so awkward and so heavily edited, they pulled it down. I don't mean to generalize, but as far as I can tell, all women named Paula are insane.

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