Tuesday Jun 04 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

More problems for the IRS. Isn't that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else's life miserable? Start with that!

IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, "I'm going to stay, and I want my money." And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt.

Did you watch “Game of Thrones” on Sunday? The show ended with a huge massacre. That's two massacres I saw this week, if you count the Heat-Pacers game.

Convicted killer Joran van der Sloot is engaged and will get married in a prison in Peru. I've got a better idea. Cancel that wedding. Let's fix him up with Jodi Arias, have them go on a date, and let nature take its course.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to "be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us."

Disney is coming under fire for raising the price of admission to Disneyland to $92. Even worse, it now costs you $350 just to get out of "It's a Small World."

A frozen berry mix has been recalled after giving 34 people in different states hepatitis A. Also not helping is that the berries used to go out with Michael Douglas.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings — all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time.

I was in a bit of a shakedown coming to work today. I had my giant drink. The cops got a hold of me and they said, "Hey, what's that?" I said, "Hey, let me tell you something. This happens to be my medicinal Mountain Dew."

Dunkin' Donuts will start putting bacon on a glazed doughnut. Every sandwich comes with a coupon for bypass surgery.

We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They've been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, "Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can't enjoy yourselves, if you can't every now and then pat yourself on the back?"

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Mama Kardashian, Kris Jenner, is getting her own talk show. These days they'll give anyone a talk show. Kris says her new talk show will be "sophisticated and glamorous." Then she added, "Who wants to buy my daughter's sex tape for $40?"

There is a new book out today called "Joyland," by Stephen King. When he started out, critics didn't like his books. Over time things changed. Just like with this show, minus the part about things changing.

King's new book, "Joyland," takes place in a creepy old amusement park. It's about a carny. Now carnies are terrifying, except Carnie Wilson, who's adorable, with or without stomach staples.

Stephen King's already working on his next book. He says it's a fantasy set in a desolate, empty environment. So I'm thinking maybe a theater that's showing the new Will Smith movie.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Tiger Woods is about to sign another big endorsement deal with Nike. Tiger already has more money than he could ever spend. He's excited about this deal in particular because it brings him something he doesn't have, which is even more money.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting a baby girl. Finally a girl Kardashian.

The baby news was revealed Sunday night on "Keeping up with the Kardashians." Do you remember when Kim said she wanted to become a more private person? That was funny.

When the Kardashian baby is born, legally it belongs to Ryan Seacrest. They have to hand it over to him. He's the producer of her show.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Disney World is raising the price of its tickets, which means that a family of four will now pay almost $400 to visit the park for one day. This explains that new vacation plan: buying an adult Mickey Mouse costume and taking your kids to Six Flags.

A family has to pay $400 for Disney World for one day. Parents will be like, "All right, kids, mom and dad are going to Fantasy Land. You guys stay here in Motel Land."

It's $400, but it's all worth it to spend a day in the hot Florida sun waiting for your kid to throw up in the teacups.

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