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Monday Jun 03 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?

President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?

This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.

In Pakistan, the Taliban's No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban's No. 3 man said he's stepping down to spend more time with his family.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, "I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday."

A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.

CNN is denying rumors that it's phasing out Wolf Blitzer. In fact, according to Larry King, Wolf has a good 70 years left. That kid's just getting started.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

New York City always has something going on. And you know what it is right now? The bike-sharing program. You get on a bike, you ride it, and then a half hour later you pass it to somebody else. And if you're lucky, you won't need antibiotics.

Kim Kardashian is having a baby, and they announced that it was a baby girl, and they made the announcement on their reality show. The Kardashians are now pleading with the public to respect their never-ending pursuit of self-promotion.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Disneyland has raised the price of admission to $92. That's a lot of money. Maybe they'll use it to buy Donald Duck some pants.

A man in California received 11 pounds of marijuana in the mail by mistake. At least he did the right thing. He called the police and told them someone accidentally mailed him five pounds of marijuana.

The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there's new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I'm sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I'll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Starbucks is now banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It will get even worse for smokers once they realize every Starbucks is about 25 feet from another Starbucks.

During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.

Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, “Yes. I mean, no.”

A new study found that drinking soda is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, soda is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

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