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Tuesday May 21 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, "I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures." And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.

The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.

Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.

According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry — according to white Americans.

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, "We has your son."

A man gave a waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy. Isn't that nice? It was an Olive Garden waitress who dreamed of one day trying Italian food.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

There's a new HBO movie this weekend — the Liberace story, "Behind the Candelabra." Liberace claimed that he was not gay. Well, that's good enough for me.

I've seen a little of the film. Meryl Streep is fantastic as Liberace.

We're learning more and more about Liberace. He was addicted to plastic surgery. He had a collection of wigs. And he would change clothing about 10 times a day. Wow, it's like I have a twin!

I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called "The Toxic Avenger." He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie.

A museum in Sweden claims to have the world's biggest collection of ABBA memorabilia. They clearly haven't seen my bedroom.

ABBA sold 370 million records, and two of those sales were to people who weren't white.

ABBA sold 18 million albums just in Australia when the entire population of Australia at the time was 15 million people. How could that happen? There's only one explanation: Kangaroos were buying the album.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

A 19-year-old student in Lawrenceville, Georgia, was failing English and he didn't want to tell his parents about it. So he faked his own kidnapping. He texted his parents and said he's been abducted. It sounds like a terrible Liam Neeson movie.

The student camped out for a week and then came home when it rained. I guess he failed his "Fake your own kidnapping 101 class" too.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, "Anything else you guys aren't telling me?" And Joe Biden was like, "Uh . . . I broke the copier."

President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, "Guys, when I said 'no spoilers,' I was just talking about 'Game of Thrones.'"

Four women have qualified to race in this Sunday’s Indy 500. Yeah, four women going around and around in circles — or as that’s normally called, "The View."

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