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Monday May 20 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.

Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.

So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.

After being booed at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber said, ''I'm 19 years old. I think I'm doing a pretty good job." Hey Justin. I'm 63. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Welcome to show business, pal.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he's doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around.

Lamborghini is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Lamborghini is so freaked out by turning 50, it just bought itself a Lamborghini.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Anybody win the Powerball thing over the weekend? $590 million, one winner. That's the biggest single jackpot since — well, since Tiger Woods' divorce.

President Obama's had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four "American Idol" judges.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

We're almost done with May sweeps. Sweeps — that's when TV networks pull out all the stops to get ratings. In fact, on "Glee," one of the actors is going to come out — as straight!

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night — the question is, "Is this show still on?"

I prefer to judge the performance of this show on its "artistic impact." By that I mean the number of complaints we receive. We're up 30 percent year to year in key demos.

I don't think you want to win ratings in late night. Look what happened on NBC. Who has been No. 1 over there for 20 years? Jay Leno. And what happened? He was fired. Twice! It's like "Well done, Jay. That was great. You're fired."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Yesterday I was presented with an honorary doctorate at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. I will be writing medical marijuana prescriptions in the alley after the show.

I'm a doctor of humane letters and I don't know what that means. I didn't have to do anything to get it. I didn't have to read or write a thesis. I made a mockery of higher education this weekend and now I can invite strangers into my office and ask them to take their clothes off without getting arrested.

Justin Bieber received multiple honors at the Billboard Music Awards. He won for best male artist. I can count three lies in the title of that award.

Justin Bieber actually said he's an artist — in the same way the guy that makes my turkey sandwich at subway is an artist.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

It turns out the winning ticket for Saturday’s huge $590 million Powerball drawing was apparently sold in a town called Zephyrhills, Florida. In a related story, Florida residents are getting an unusual volume of calls from their grandkids today.

During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him — though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him.

The Navy announced that its specially trained dolphins found a rare torpedo off the coast of California. You can tell those dolphins are smart because they just turned the torpedo back at us and said, “How about YOU doing some tricks at Sea World?”

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