Wednesday May 15 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent.

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, "Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?"

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to "Changing the story until you believe it."

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he's ever made.

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, "Well, I did promise change."

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, "I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am."

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.

People always say this to me: "Hey, Letterman," they say. "Why don't you make jokes about Obama?" All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why.

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.

Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who's anyone in show business is in France right now. "But Craig, you're here in Los Angeles." Exactly. I'm lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber's monkey.

The Germans are like, "No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany.

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

One of the people on the jury this year is Nicole Kidman. She is letting them screen the movies on her forehead.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He's serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won't be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we'll have even have "Dancing With the Stars" by then.

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them.

He's hoping if he's granting a retrial they'll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?”

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was "waising taxes."

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while "American Idol" will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest's house.

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