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Thursday May 02 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.

While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they've got it down. That's like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.

Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president — and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.

A New York City real estate company will give a 15 percent raise to any employee who gets the company logo tattooed on his body. Actually, I got the NBC logo tattooed on my body, but it’s just a temporary tattoo. It will be gone next spring.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.

That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.

Yahoo has put out a list of five dying careers, which includes reporter and insurance underwriter. The only one they forgot is Yahoo employee.

The owner of an ice cream truck named Snow Cone Joe was arrested for allegedly stalking his rival truck, called Mr. Ding-a-Ling. It's being called the saddest turf war ever.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

I was walking to work today and I ran into Pat Sajak, the host of "Wheel of Fortune." We had one of those funny little coincidences that you don't expect. At exactly the same time, Pat said to me and I said to Pat, "Is your show still on?"

Experts at the Department of defense and the Pentagon said that they now know that Osama bin Laden was in that compound for a number of years. He would leave the compound about twice a year. Once he had to go out for jury duty.

Here's how beautiful it is in New York City today. Earlier, Martha Stewart was down at the docks looking for sailors.

On Monday, Martha Stewart announced that she is dating and desperate looking for a man. So she signed up on Match.com. In her biography, Martha says she likes surprises, but not from the Securities and Exchange Commission.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

A new study finally explains what's wrong with young people. Researchers have proven that young people are greedy and more materialistic. The study is in something called a newspaper. It's like a blog. But everything in it is from yesterday.

The study refers to young people as millennials. It says they perform poorly in job interviews. There's nothing worse than a bad interview — realizing a person sitting across from you has checked out and just doesn't care. Ask any of my guests on this show. They'll tell you. It's a terrible experience.

I get annoyed when people do studies like this. They break society into different groups. Then they assign everyone in the group with the same set of characteristics. I can't stand that kind of small-minded thinking. Then again, I'm a Taurus. We're all like that.

I don't consider myself a baby boomer. To me, that means hippies. What do I have in common with a hippie? I never went to Woodstock. I never wore flowers in my hair. I never took huge amounts of LSD and then battled killer ducks who I swear were out to kill me. All right, I did the last one but I didn't think it was groovy.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.

That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, "Uh, I'm president, aren't I?"

Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are teaming up to build a new theme park in Alabama. You can tell because the sign on the roller coaster says, “You must be this shirtless to go on this ride.”

A new survey found that 49 percent of Americans think movie trailers give too much away about the plot. Especially that one trailer that starts with, "In a world where Bruce Willis is dead the whole time . . ."

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