Tuesday Apr 30 2013

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: So good for him.

There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty.

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He's 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he's looked for the last 30 years.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster Video.

NBA player Jason Collins' former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons.

Jason Collins' former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn't cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA.

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te'o's fiancee said, "Well, at least you exist."

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Earlier today the annual Tony Award nominations were announced and I just want to say that once again "The Late Show" received a nomination. It's not one of the big categories but still it's a nomination — biggest waste of a Broadway theatre.

You know who was actually nominated? Tom Hanks, for best actor. Finally something good happening to Tom Hanks. It's about time things started to go his way.

Say what you will about Broadway. I was thinking about this earlier. For me it's still solid — the best entertainment in the city at $500 a seat.

The Tim Tebow era is over here in New York City. He was fired by the New York Jets. A lot of fans are blaming Matt Lauer.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

In the Netherlands today there is much celebration as they swear in a new king. William is the first Dutch king in more than 120 years. Basically he's king of a bunch of pot and windmills.

What do you actually do as king of the Netherlands? They don't seem to have any laws to enforce.

"King of the Netherlands" sounds like something you would call a friend who got too stoned.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.”

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet because they're busy high fiving everyone they know.

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news.

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.”

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