I want to take a moment to say that my thoughts and prayers are with the people of Boston and everybody who's been affected by today’s absolutely senseless act. That said, it is our job to do a show and we're going to try and entertain you the very best we can, which given our track record gives you people a 20 percent chance of having a good show tonight.
Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It's not a good sign when the friend who's trying to explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That's not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.
Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country's founder. He famously said, “Let's have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.”
A magazine has come out with a list of the 20 most hated celebrities, and No. 1 is Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't get that. After hearing this, Mel Gibson said, "What do I have to do?" He's screaming at his agent right now.
According to a new report, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's 30-year marriage is over. After hearing this, Ozzy said, "I was married?"
I don't want to bring everyone down but it was a terrible day. Very bad things happened today for no good reason and our thoughts are with the people of Boston and everyone who suffering as a result of the bombings. It's a disgusting thing and I don't understand that. It's my job to make you laugh and I'll probably fail.
Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in.
This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.
Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?