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Monday May 21 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook in his Harvard dorm room and in eight years built it into the most popular waste of time the world has ever seen.

Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents.

Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising.

President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

A 1920 Babe Ruth uniform sold at a sports memorabilia auction for $4 million. As a matter of fact, this is the uniform he was wearing when he was first dating Betty White.

Donald Trump has a game show called "Celebrity Apprentice." Arsenio Hall is the new champion. That was a real wake-up call for me. One day you're hosting a late-night talk show and the next day you're getting coffee for Donald Trump.

That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg, got married over the weekend. His company goes public, and he's now worth $100 billion. Then he gets married. He may not be as smart as we thought.

Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece.

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Police discovered 800 pounds of marijuana in the waters off the coast, just floating in the water. The authorities are advising surfers to stay out of the water. There is nothing more dangerous than a shark with the munchies.

A lot of people say they use Facebook to reconnect with old friends. No thanks. If I'm not friends with you anymore, there's probably a reason. And that reason is I owe you money.

Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Season seven of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" premiered last night. I really thought I was caught up with them, but now I realize I'm not. It's such a busy time for the Kardashians right now with the show starting and the NBA playoffs, which as you know is their prime mating season.

Any of you see the eclipse yesterday? I've never met anyone with eye damage from an eclipse, but they talk about it all the time. And that proves something I've always suspected, that nature is trying to kill us. We have to fight back and kill it first.

No one was more affected by the eclipse than the notorious tanning mom. Stupid moon stole five precious minutes of UV rays from her face and now she's never going to get those back.

Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him.

Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason.

President Obama tossed around a football at Soldier Field, home of the Chicago Bears. Obama told Biden to go long. Then, he hopped into his car and drove away.

Happy birthday to Mr. T, who turned 60 years old today. You can tell he is getting old. Today he pitied the fool who couldn't get Barry Manilow tickets.

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