Wednesday Apr 04 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.

Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. Well, they say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

Sarah Palin co-hosted the "Today" show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" What they're going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down "Hunger Games" style.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job.

Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane.

I want the crazy pilot, too. Makes a long flight more interesting.

Dartmouth College, a fine institution, has named their medical school after Dr. Seuss. Because nothing is better than hearing your doctor say, "You don't have cancer on your nose, you don't have cancer on our toes."

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.

Lindsay Lohan is off probation. Lindsay's been in prison so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after her.

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They're always saying the prisons aren't full enough.

Ryan Seacrest was on the "Today" show. He is joining the NBC family. This on top of six or seven other jobs. America's job growth is lacking and the cause is Ryan Seacrest. ABC, NBC, radio, cable — hundreds of jobs and he is not satisfied.

Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.

Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.

A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. He was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like "Prepare for an on-time arrival.”

The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue.

The New York Mets are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies. Mets officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field.

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