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Tuesday Feb 28 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.

Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn't Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney's neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been revealed. They're leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week.

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, "That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney."

The CEO of Pizza Hut said that when he was in college, he used to bring his dates to Pizza Hut. When asked where he brought them on the second date, he said there were no second dates.

In Louisiana a male chimpanzee named Conan is still getting female chimps pregnant despite the fact that he's already had two vasectomies. According to officials, this chimp is so masculine they've stopped calling him Conan.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.

Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.

Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.

Ron Paul announced earlier today his campaign is the only one that's entirely financed by moonshine.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

"I seem less wooden standing next to one"

"In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel"

"They're also just the right width"

"It's fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves"

"They're not gay, like palm trees"

"They don't shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees"

"They look great next to my wife's Cadillacs"

"Trees don't whine when strapped to your car roof"

"They're not afraid to stand up to the auto industry"

"Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows"

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don't know what she is playing in the movie.

The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: "Let Detroit go bankrupt"?

That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.

It's nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: "Accept your new Mexican overlords."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.

Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.

There's an event being held in New York over the weekend by a group that's working to get yoga as an Olympic sport. NBC is pulling out all the stops to get us to not watch the Olympics, aren't they?

If football isn't an Olympic sport, why would they include the thing my mom does on Tuesday morning — yoga?

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, "I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to."

Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.

A new report found that Hawaii has the best quality of life of any state in the U.S. You know, just in case you thought it sucked living in Hawaii.

Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.

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