Wednesday Feb 22 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face.

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular.

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty.

A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

"Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars. Producers are worried if Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen.

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy.

Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail.

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Reese Witherspoon, Academy Award-winning actress and beautiful young woman, is in Florida at the Yankees spring training camp. The Yankees are taking a look at her as a possible Alex Rodriguez girlfriend.

Rick Santorum says Satan is out to get America. Do we have enough trouble? Now it turns out Satan's after us.

Newt Gingrich was out taking a look at the Chevy Volt. He said the only problem with it is that you can't put a gun rack in it.

Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is "The Help." It's all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

The iPork

Three-Holed Prosciutto

Honey-Baked Ham Radio

Tassled Meatloaf

Baloomba, The Robotic Vacuum Cleaning Bologna

Spam-Blocking Spam

Bacon Nasal Spray

Veal-Flavored Mutton

Self-Cleaning Meatballs

Anti-Gravity Wiener

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him.

Dutch scientists say they've created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about eight months they'll have a complete hamburger patty. When I first heard this, I was shocked. There are dutch scientists? It's got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on.

There are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger, though. Is it healthy? Does it go with cheese? Can David Hasselhoff eat it off the floor?

This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

If your co-workers had ash on their heads today, it means they're Catholic or they had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray.

I usually will give something up for Lent. But instead of giving something up, I decided just to give up. Do what you will with me. I surrender.

Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret.

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today is Ash Wednesday, and all over the country people are giving things up for Lent. In my opinion, Rick Santorum should give up chocolate while Newt Gingrich should give up, stop — that’s it, he should just give up.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted at a Knicks game this week. They found a last-minute babysitter — the guy who used to play point guard before Jeremy Lin.

It’s National Pancake Week. Of course Mitt Romney was in a debate tonight, so it’s also National Waffle Week.

A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it’s a total disaster.

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