Thursday Feb 16 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.

The Chinese vice president said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made.

Researchers say that technology could be available soon to allow people to live to be 150 years old. To which Larry King's wife said, "No!"

Paul McCartney told Rolling Stone magazine that his pot-smoking days are over. How ironic. He's finally at the age where he can use medical marijuana, and now he quits.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

The rate of interracial marriages is at an all-time high. I know from experience because my wife is white and I'm super white.

I'm so white that people think I'm ill. People on the street say "You want bone morrow?"

There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.

Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.

The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.

Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul's slogan is "Fear the Poligrip."

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

Do you look like Mitt Romney?

Does Mitt Romney look like you?

True or False: You look like Mitt Romney

Do you not look like someone who doesn't look like Mitt Romney?

If you wore a sombrero, would you look like Mitt Romney wearing a sombrero?

What do you feel is your main qualification, other than a strong resemblance to Mitt Romney?

During sex, does your wife ever yell out "Mitt Romney!"?

Do you know any fat, doughy guys who look like Newt Gingrich?

Can you smile while driving with a dog strapped to the roof of your car?

Do you mind being unemployed after November?

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Tehran is cranking out nukes like Malibu cranks out Kardashians.

The Wallenda kids started walking the tightrope at age 4. To do something like that when you're that age, you need three things: courage, resolve, and horrible parents.

The best daredevil of all time is Evel Knievel. You have no choice but to be a daredevil when your parents name you Evel. You can't be a florist or psychotherapist.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.

Here's how he stacks up against others. Obama is at 50 percent positive. Mitt Romney is at 42 percent positive. Ice cream is ahead of both of them at 97 percent.

Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.

Commander Daniel Burbank shook hands with a robot on the international space station. It's all part of NASA's "What stupid stuff can we do in zero gravity" program.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Jeremy Lin led the Knicks to their seventh straight win. Soon he'll be getting all the benefits of being an NBA star: He’ll get a salary bump, an endorsement deal, a Kardashian.

CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they're like, "This question’s from Mark in Texas." Mark asks: "What else is on?”

A man in Ireland was arrested with more than 500 pounds of marijuana. So I guess there is a little pot at the end of the rainbow.

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