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Wednesday Feb 15 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.

President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada?

Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down!

A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

For me, every day is Valentine's Day. But last night was a special night. Nothing says love to me like a candlelight dinner and unlimited bread sticks.

They're saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there's a word that best describes Rick, it's "swinging."

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest."

They're developing nuclear weapons in Iran. Even more disturbing is they're developing a situation comedy about two broke girls.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

Lin-termittent windshield wiper

Law and Order: Criminal Lin-Tent

Ange-Lin-a Jol-emy

Lin-ternational House of Lin-Cakes

Newt Lin-Grich

Lin-terest-bearing Lin-vestment grade financial Lin-strument

Does this look Lin-fected to you?

Jere-meat sauce with Lin-guine

Kni-xual Lin-tercourse

You gotta be Lin it to Lin it

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show.

He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old's metabolism, and a 10-year-old's sense of humor.

I want to live to a ripe old age so I can go to the supermarket and say really inappropriate things to the girls who work there and, you know, they will find it adorable because I'll be old.

Right now when I do that, I just get arrested.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

I bought three dozen Valentine's Day roses yesterday — for my girlfriend, my mom, and my daughter. $22,000. That's a lot, right?

President Obama was here in Hollywood today. I'm willing to give money to the Obama campaign as long as when they leave Hollywood, they load all of the "American Idol" karaoke singers onto Air Force One and take them with him.

The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now?

There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.

Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back.

A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.”

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My dog doesn't want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad.

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