Monday Feb 13 2012

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.

And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year.

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

You know what Kobe Bryant's wife is getting for Valentine's Day? Half.

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much."

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion.

Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about.

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

Anybody see the Grammy Awards last night here on CBS? I missed the show. Is Andy Williams still hosting?

By the way, while you were laughing, Adele just won another Grammy.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

Mitt Romney loves Valentine's Day. Today he sent a dozen long-stemmed red roses to his money.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

"Ten Models, nine swimsuits"

"Where else can you see nearly naked women, except everywhere on the Internet?"

"I licked every issue"

"Forget Number 7. I just want to stand here and look hot"

"Every subscriber gets a personal visit from the 10 of us"

"Like The Late Show, 'Sports Illustrated' is made from 99 percent recycled material"

"Because I said so, dammit"

"Four of us are married to Newt"

"The art department was able to airbrush my mustache"

"It's not in 3-D, but it looks like it is"

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

It's a great day for America's favorite plastic doll — the lovely Ryan Seacrest. No, it's not. The original Barbie debuted on this day in 1959.

The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand.

Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie.

Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it.

The Grammy show lasted 3 1/2 hours last night. Before it was over, Kim Kardashian married half of the L.A. Clippers.

Adele cleaned up at last night's Grammys. Poor Vanilla Ice. They made him sweep up after the Grammys.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

A sewage treatment plant in Brooklyn is offering a Valentine’s Day tour for couples. Personally, I like to take my wife there other times of the year when it’s not all couples.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé just released five pictures of their month-old daughter. Hear that, Facebook friends with babies? Only five pictures.

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too.

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’”

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