Thursday Jul 28 2011

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until Congress does anything.

It may be time for a woman president. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions.

According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There’s the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we solve the debt if we can’t add up the poll numbers?

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn’t breathe. Doctors said the condition is called “living in New Jersey.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on “Antiques Roadshow.”

Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That’s how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally.

While chasing a burglar, Alex Trebek injured his Achilles tendon, or as he calls it, “the tendon named for this hero of Greek mythology.”

According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

“Cowboys and Aliens” opens tomorrow. I wonder what that movie is about.

The movie has cowboys shooting at aliens. We already have that in Arizona.

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

"Where can I hire a monkey rabbi?"

"Should he get a prenup to protect his bananas?"

"Do I get along with the monkeys-in-law?"

"Band or DJ?" (Important question for any wedding)

"Will I mind the newspaper headlines referring to me as 'local freak?’"

"Can the bride's father pay for the wedding on his circus pension?"

"Am I ready to attend the creepiest bachelor party of my life?"

"When did my life turn into a Kevin James movie?"

"Would he rather go to New York and have a gay monkey marriage?"

"Does Men's Wearhouse rent urine-proof tuxedos?"

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

An Australian forklift driver spilled a million dollars of wine. To soak it up, they used special tools, called “Australian people.”

Apparently, Kim Kardashian will be a special guest judge on “Project Runway,” so one of the challenges must include designing clothes for someone with a huge butt.

When I was younger, style was all about punk. Fortunately, the music lasted longer than the fashion.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Lady Gaga is here, and I’m not sure what she’s wearing but all the Post-it notes are missing from my office.

Hollywood police used “non-lethal bean bags” to control a crowd that was rioting. Is there such a thing as lethal bean bags?

If the riot escalated, they were authorized to switch to Marshmallow Peeps.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, “Wait, you could have done that the whole time?”

A woman in San Francisco was arrested this week for stealing cash from Alex Trebek’s hotel room. Trebek could tell something was up when the burglar said, “I’ll take your wallet and personal belongings for free, Alex.”

Alex Trebek actually hurt his leg while chasing the robber. When 911 asked for his location, he was like, “Erected in 1989, this San Francisco hotel became famous for its distinctive ‘jukebox’ appearance.”

A man from the Netherlands plans to take a picture of all 194 world capitals over the next five years. Then when that’s over, his friends will tell him about Google Earth.

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