Monday Apr 12 2010

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?

According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida is in financial ruin. You know what broke them? Healthcare premiums.

Justice John Paul Stevens is leaving the Supreme Court. This won’t affect as many Americans as when Paula Abdul left “American Idol,” but it’s still a big deal.

In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said “I am the first here to admit I’ve made mistakes.” Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman


The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

It was announced today that Conan O’Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.

There are rumors that Elizabeth Taylor is getting married for the 9th time. One more and she qualifies for a free chicken sandwich at Quizno’s.

KFC restaurants have unveiled the “Double Down,” which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Tiger’s obviously under a lot of stress. It’s very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.

Conan O’Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

There’s a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama’s choice for the next Supreme Court justice. It’s a lifetime appointment that would take up all her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, “She’ll take it.”

Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.

CNN is hoping to spice up the show “Anderson Cooper 360” by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up “Larry King Live” by adding a live Larry King.

Barry Bonds said he is “proud” of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it’s like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.

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