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Friday Mar 12 2010

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

President Obama has announced this week that he has donated all of his Nobel Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope: the Democratic Party.

President Obama would like the House to vote on his healthcare plan on either St. Patrick’s Day or the day after. That means Congress will be voting on healthcare either when they’re drunk, or when they’re hung over.

According to a survey, 67 percent of pet owners say they can understand what their pets say when they bark or meow. It doesn’t sound impressive until you realize that only 5 percent of Californians can understand Gov. Schwarzenegger.

Scientists at Rutgers University have invented a bedbug detector and trap. It will enable you to catch millions of bedbugs. If you’ve got millions of bedbugs, you need to switch your online dating service.



The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

New York City has filled 2,000,000 potholes. The bad news is, they were the only things slowing down the Toyotas.

The potholes in New York City are so big, Osama bin Laden is hiding in one of them.

Spring Break is this week. It gives the college kids a switch from binge drinking on campus. Now they can binge drink on the beach.

You can tell that it’s tax season. Naomi Campbell hit somebody with a calculator.



The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

Your mascot is starting at power forward

Last guy to make a free throw graduated in '03

Only thing coach has ever won is a wing-eating contest

After every basket, team hits the showers

Instead of practicing, team spends their time in gym decorating for college's annual spring fling

Whenever player dunks, he gets caught in the net like a tuna

Only ref who thinks you have a chance is the “Marriage Ref” — catch the new hit show Thursdays at 10 on NBC

Keep asking why you can't play in fabulous outfits like Johnny Weir

You play like this guy (video of President Bush bouncing flat basketball)

Players are smoking even more than Obama



The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Daylight Savings begins on Sunday, which means we lose an hour. But if you watch this show, you’re used to it.

Some people get very excited about weddings. They’re called “women.” The only time men get excited about weddings is when they’re marrying other men.

My wedding was the best day of my life. It was the day I got satellite TV installed.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Rerun



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Daylight Savings begins this weekend. Everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour. If you’re Eric Massa, you’ll probably want to set your clock back a week.

We lose an hour of sleep this week. Of course, if you’re roommates with Eric Massa, you may not want to fall asleep at all.

Federal officials just revealed that a member of al-Qaida worked at three nuclear power plants in New Jersey over six years. Wait, there are three nuclear power plants in New Jersey? I guess that explains Snooki.

A 75-year-old great grandmother in Poland was arrested for riding her bicycle drunk. Did I say great grandmother? I meant the greatest grandmother.


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