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Wednesday Mar 03 2010

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

Rep. Charles Rangel has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months and they haven’t found a single trace of ethics.

Records show that there were acceleration problems with the Toyota Camry years ago. Kia is already capitalizing on this, saying that they have never had any acceleration problems. Actually, if you step on the gas in a Kia, nothing happens at all.

In his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all here in his new book, titled “Duh.”

Naomi Campbell has been accused of beating her driver. Ironically, her driver was Chris Brown.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

The United States Post Office says that they’re going to cut back delivery to five days a week. I was upset until I thought, “that’s one less day of hate mail.”

Here in New York, we have trouble with our governor. People are calling for David Paterson to step down. It’s nice to see a “Fire Dave” rally that has nothing to do with me.

When I heard that they’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, I thought, “That’s a job for Jay Leno.”

I won’t believe there’s real trouble for the governor until he says that he’s hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

Everyone I want to interview is in rehab

Tired of fending off George Clooney's clumsy advances

I've forgotten how to make people cry

Don't want to do any more of these lame Top Ten lists

I knew it was time to stop when I was asked to interview a blue guy from "Avatar"

I've done it for 29 years — what more do you people want from me?

I just got a gig as Naomi Campbell's assistant

I've learned when a celebrity says they have an interesting story, they don't

I was pushed out by Jay Leno

I'll do another special when Dave hosts the Academy Awards again

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Nissan recalled over a half-million cars with faulty brakes and fuel gauges. Then Toyota was like, “Just a half-million? Aw, that’s cute.”

In a new poll, 22 percent of Americans say they would forgive Tiger Woods for cheating on his wife. Which makes sense, because 22 percent of Americans have slept with Tiger Woods.

Karl Rove’s new memoir, “Courage and Consequence,” is coming out next week. I’m not sure “Courage and Consequence” is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than “Oopsies!”

“Here’s some big technology news. Google is coming out with its own Internet system that’s 100 times faster than the average Internet connection. In fact, it’s so fast, it'll send that e-mail you wish you hadn't sent before you even write it.

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