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Thursday Oct 12 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Early this morning at 1:42 a.m., an asteroid passed by the Earth, missed us by 26,000 miles. Which in space terms is close. In fact, the asteroid was planning to hit us, then it saw what’s going on down here and said, “You know what? I’m going to keep going that way, I want no part of that.”

President Trump this morning got to work doing the damage the asteroid couldn’t. Today he signed an executive order that threatens to cripple the Affordable Care Act, Obamacare. He tweeted, “Since Congress can’t get its act together on healthcare, I’ll be using the power of the pen to give great healthcare to many people fast.” This is big — usually when Trump uses the power of the pen, it’s to declare bankruptcy.

Meanwhile the president’s inexplicable battle with Puerto Rico rages on. Trump fired off a trio of early-morning tweets saying Puerto Rico’s infrastructure was a disaster before Hurricane Maria, blaming them for their own financial problems, and warning that the government won’t be there to help them indefinitely. And also, those paper towels? He wants those back.

Trump’s chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly, had a rare press conference — I think it may have been his first press conference as chief of staff — to announce reports of his demise have been bigly exaggerated [clip of Kelly]: “I’m not getting fired.” So you know what that means, right? He’s fired!

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged, and that he recently shouted, “I hate everyone in the White House!” But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, “Except for me. I still like me a lot.”

Yeah, Trump apparently had an outburst and yelled, “I hate everyone in the White House!” When Mike Pence tried to calm him down, Trump said, “Go away! You’re not even my REAL dad!”

The article also said that Trump and Chief of Staff John Kelly have gotten into a lot of shouting matches. One time Trump got so angry, he punched the tiniest hole in the wall. You can actually use it to look at the eclipse.

I saw that Ikea’s teaming up with Amazon to sell its furniture online. They say it’s perfect for couples who want to argue in the comfort of their own home.

A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask – it ain’t you.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Following the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, President Trump tweeted this morning that the White House cannot keep FEMA, the military, and first responders in Puerto Rico forever. Forever? It’s been three weeks! That’s like saying you worked with Scaramucci forever.

What’s your hurry? We still have troops in Germany! What are they doing, checking Hitler’s pulse? Look, we can afford to keep troops in Puerto Rico until long after you’ve left the White House. Maybe even until Christmas.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly gave the daily press briefing today, and said his job is not to control President Trump — it’s to FIND President Trump. “Donald, where are you? Time to run the country, big guy. Donald?”

During the press briefing today, John Kelly said that President Trump’s tweets don’t make his job more difficult. Really? Because they’re making mine impossible. Do you have any idea what I would give to be making a Hillary Clinton pantsuit joke right now?

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

An explosive new article about the White House in Vanity Fair magazine says according to staffers, Donald Trump is actually moodier and more erratic every day, and recently confided in one White House aide, “I hate everyone in the White House. There are a few exceptions but I hate them.” Is this guy the president of the United States or a cast member on “Big Brother?”

In the article, aides who are close to Donald Trump describe him as “unstable,” “losing a step” and “unraveling.” Meanwhile those of us NOT close to Donald Trump are like, “Yep, I’ve used those words too.”

Trump is basically like an old Christmas sweater. He’s unraveling and you have to pretend you like him in front of your grandmother.

There was an odd moment today when Trump held a ceremony to sign an executive order but he forgot the one important part of the signing ceremony, which is the part where you sign. He wandered off early, and Mike Pence had to pull him back [shows clip]: “Mr. President, you need to sign it.” Donald Trump seems to be the only person on the planet who is able to forget that Donald Trump is the president.

I guess watching this, the good news is there is no way that man remembers the nuclear codes.

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

For the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has been the president of busy town. This morning, he signed an executive order to get rid of some key provisions of Obamacare. For instance, the care part.

Trump made a big show of it in the White House, gathered a bunch of people in there, invited the media, bragged about how great it was gonna be. Then came the big moment, the signing. [clip of Trump leaving podium without signing] He forgot to sign the order! That is troubling. At the signing, he forgot to do the signing. But, on the plus side, let’s hope he forgets the launch codes.

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