×
Newsmax TV & Webwww.newsmax.comFREE - In Google Play
VIEW
×
Newsmax TV & Webwww.newsmax.comFREE - On the App Store
VIEW
Skip to main content
JokesPageHeader
     
Wednesday Oct 11 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

I didn’t even know that television networks had licenses. Did you know this? If that is the case, where did Fox News get their license? Is it from some guy selling fake IDs behind a liquor store?



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

The big story out of the BET show was Eminem launching a five-minute freestyle attack on Donald Trump. It was very well done. He found a way to rhyme the word “orange,” which previously had been thought impossible.

It was a blistering condemnation of the president, especially interesting because at one time Donald Trump endorsed Eminem for president. Now he’s a “loooser!” Trump is so [ticked], he just revoked Dr. Dre’s medical license.

Vanity Fair had a story today that says Trump told his long-time security chief, “I hate everyone in the White House.” The White House responded today by saying “the president’s mood is good and his outlook on the agenda is very positive.” Imagine, the White House has to announce the president’s mood is good.

The report also says he’s not getting along with his chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. In response to that the president tweeted — as he rarely does, but he decided this story is totally made up by the dishonest media — “the Chief is doing a FANTASTIC job for me and, more importantly, for the USA.” So Chief’s gone by, what, Monday, Tuesday tops?

Trump has an interesting way of answering questions about John Kelly whenever they ask what he thinks of him: “He’s a general.” That’s like being asked what you think of your steak and you say, “It was a cow.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

This morning, President Trump went on a Twitter rant about “fake news,” and threatened to revoke NBC’s broadcast license. Americans are like, “Hey! You can threaten our democracy, but you do NOT mess with ‘This Is Us.’”

I read that Kim Jong Un wants to make the site of his missile launches a tourist destination for families. But for kids to go on the rides, they must be taller than Kim Jong Un.

The U.S. men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup after losing to Trinidad and Tobago last night. In response, Trump was like, “Why did America have to play TWO countries at the same time?! Rigged!”

Amazon just announced that teens can now shop on their parents’ accounts, but the order will only go through if Mom and Dad approve it. Or if they click the button that says, “Mom and Dad approve it.”

Amazon is also working with a company to deliver items to the trunk of your car. The company has an interesting name — “The Mafia.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Lindsay Lohan today defended movie producer Harvey Weinstein amid allegations of sexual harassment, saying that she feels “very bad” for him and she doesn’t “think it’s right what’s going on.” At which point her friend said, “Lindsay, that’s a manatee.”

Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised.

Apple is reportedly designing an iPhone with a foldable display. “We’re getting ready to fold too!” said BlackBerry.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

An article today revealed that during a national security meeting last summer, Donald Trump said that he wanted to increase the number of America’s nuclear weapons by tenfold. Ten fold. Trump would have gone higher than tenfold but he ran out of fingers to count them on.

Now this was all part of the same meeting where Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly called Trump a moron. Although let’s be honest, we’ve all heard Donald Trump speak — that could have been any meeting.

Trump denies that he asked for more nuclear weapons and he says this story is fake news. This morning he tweeted “with all of the fake news coming out of NBC and the networks, at what point is it appropriate to challenge their License. Bad for country.” A better question would be at what point is it appropriate to capitalize the word “License.” For grammar, there is no reason for a capital L.

I didn’t even know that television networks had licenses. Did you know this? If that is the case, where did Fox News get their license? Is it from some guy selling fake IDs behind a liquor store?

Last night the rapper Eminem attacked President Trump in a freestyle rap video that aired at the BET Awards. The title of Eminem’s rap is “The Storm,” so naturally Donald Trump reacted by throwing rolls of paper towels at it.

Eminem’s lyrics were politically charged. He defended the NFL players who have been kneeling during the national anthem, and later Donald Trump responded with his own rap that went, “Will the NFL players please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Over the summer, Trump met with top military officials and said he wanted a nearly tenfold increase in the U.S. nuclear arsenal. A tenfold increase? Excuse me while I onefold into the fetal position.

A tenfold increase. Why tenfold? Why not a thousandfold? Is ten just how high he can count? “I want it more by this many.”

We could be reaching a whole new level of angry Trump because a report out today says people close to the president say he is “unstable,” “losing a step,” and “unraveling.” So keep in mind that means, up till now, he’s been “raveled.”

So why is he unraveling? Well, he reportedly told his longtime personal security chief, “I hate everyone in the White House!” Mr. President, I know exactly how you feel.


Recommended
Free Newsmax E-Alerts
Email:
Country:
Zip Code:
Privacy: We never share your email.
 
TOP

Newsmax, Moneynews, Newsmax Health, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, and Newsmax World are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
© Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved
Download the NewsmaxTV App
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
© Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved