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Wednesday Sep 06 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump announced a new plan to fund the government for the next three months. That’s right, Trump’s going to pay his taxes.

Today, Dennis Rodman offered to straighten things out between Trump and Kim Jong-Un. People were like, "Can't believe I'm saying this, but — let’s give it a shot!"

Meanwhile, Disney CEO Bob Iger spoke out against Trump’s decision to end the DACA immigration program, calling it “cruel and misguided.” And so to get back at Disney, Trump deported all those singing dolls from “It’s a Small World.”

I read that some White House officials don't think Trump understands what ending DACA really means. In response, Trump said, "I know, but why don't you tell me so that I know that YOU know."

Former press secretary Sean Spicer will give his first paid speech this month here in New York City. They're saying you should get tickets now, cuz there's only all of them left.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump broke with Republicans today and struck a deal with Democrats on a short-term extension of the debt ceiling. And you know what that means! No, you don't. Neither do I, and this guy [picture of Trump] definitely doesn't know.

As Hurricane Irma hit the Caribbean this morning, President Trump tweeted, "Hurricane looks like largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" Hey, man, could you try not to sound so excited? It's a hurricane, not "The Game of Thrones" finale.

Today President Trump said, "It looks like it could be something that will be not good." I have to say, when a natural disaster is bearing down on our country, it would be nice to hear from a leader who knows more words than Tarzan. Hurricane bad. Much wind, not good. Cheetah save.

When asked today if he is considering military action against North Korea, President Trump told reporters, "Certainly, that's not a first choice, but we will see what happens." Which is scary, because Trump doesn't usually go with his first choice.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Donald Trump tweeted about the hurricane in an odd way today. He wrote on Twitter, "Hurricane looks like the largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" Who uses an exclamation point? How insecure is this guy that he even has to brag that his hurricanes are bigger than Obamas?

I understand it in a way. In Trump's defense, it's rare that he sees a natural disaster bigger than his administration.

In a speech today in North Dakota he compared the people facing hurricanes to the people in North Dakota who are going through a drought. Which the people going through the drought replied, "We didn't realize this was a competition." To be clear, both hurricanes and droughts are bad. I can't believe I have to explain that to the president of the United States.

I guess the good news is that despite the drought, the crops in North Dakota will still grow because of all of Trump's bull [bleep].

Donald Trump is now backpedaling a little bit regarding his decision to end DACA, the program that protects young undocumented immigrants from deportation. Last night Trump tweeted, "Congress now has six months to legalize DACA. If they can't, I will revisit this issue." Revisit the issue. I guess that's a threat.

Now let's get real with North Korean nukes, extreme weather, O.J. getting out of jail, shouldn't we all be preparing to leave the United States?

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump did more things today. For instance, he traveled to North Dakota to talk tax reform. And by "talk tax reform," I mean rambled incoherently until they turned his mic off.

As Trump so sensitively mentioned, Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. And they will be for years. Meanwhile, another hurricane, Irma, is bearing down on Florida. It's the largest Atlantic hurricane ever reported. Experts say it's the size of France. Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares.

Irma is a frighteningly intense storm, but don't worry, President Trump is tweeting at it. "Watching hurricane closely. My team, which has done— and is doing— such a good job in Texas, is already in Florida. No rest for the weary!" That's a really oddly casual way to describe exhausted first responders racing to save lives.

Remember the 2016 campaign? If you really want to go back and relive every excruciating detail, good news — Hillary Clinton has a new book, "What Happened," which is better than the original title, "Anybody Wanna Buy a Barge Full of Unused Fireworks?"

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