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Wednesday May 03 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A company has come out with a robot that makes salad. So finally — a robot that’s not going to take away any American jobs!

Today, FBI Director James Comey said the thought that he helped Donald Trump get elected president makes him “mildly nauseous.” Comey then excused himself to attend a meeting of Underreacters Anonymous.

Nissan is developing technology that blocks cellphone signals so people won’t be distracted by their smartphones. First Nissan will put the technology in their cars, then they’ll put it in the Oval Office.

Ivanka Trump has a new book of business advice for women. Tip No. 1 is “Be your rich dad’s favorite daughter.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Melania Trump’s Twitter account liked a tweet suggesting she doesn’t like her husband. But Melania claims she didn’t mean to like it — she meant to RETWEET it.

Apparently, the tweet said the only wall Trump has built is the one between him and Melania. Trump was like, “At this point, I’ll take credit for ANY wall getting built.”

Yesterday, Trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin, where they agreed to work together on handling Kim Jong Un. You know a leader’s unstable when Trump and Putin are like, “We gotta keep an eye on that guy!”

I mean, seriously — Trump and Putin “fixing” North Korea? That’s like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich “guarding” a wedding cake.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump will return to New York City tomorrow for the first time since taking office. Melania was like, “Oh, that’s so crazy, I’m flying to D.C. tomorrow. Oh, you should have told me. Ships in the night.”

FBI Director James Comey testified before Congress today, and said that it makes him “mildly nauseous” to think that his actions might have affected the election. Of course, that might just be from all that time he spent looking at Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

According to a new Politico poll, 48 percent of voters approve of the job President Trump is doing. Of course, a lot of them think that job is plus-sized golf shirt model.

American Airlines recently announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they’ll be cutting legs. “We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!”

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