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Monday Mar 06 2017

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Russian officials said they may ban the new "Beauty and the Beast" movie because of its gay character. Then Vladimir Putin had to excuse himself for a shirtless photo shoot atop a stallion.

Today, Donald Trump issued a new travel ban that is less restrictive than his first one. This one bans some Muslims and all women who haven't been able to lose the baby weight.

On Saturday, pro-Trump rallies around the country were attended by hundreds. Or as Trump put it, "trillions."

This weekend, President Trump tweeted that President Obama tapped his phones at Trump Tower. Trump said it was particularly upsetting because he’s a private man who likes to keep his thoughts to himself.

Samsung has announced that the release of the new Galaxy 8 will be delayed. A spokesman at Samsung said they’re delaying the release to coincide with Burning Man.

It’s come out that Trump Administration Press Secretary Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny in the early 2000s. Or as Spicer calls it "back when I had some dignity."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

It was another wild weekend for President Trump, who tweeted up a world of trouble Saturday morning at Mar-a-Lago. A lot of people are saying they need to take his phone away. I think maybe at this point they should consider taking his thumbs away. Put them in a box, give them back to him in four years.

There’s a man up on charges in Austin, Texas, at this hour, for allegedly getting very personal with a fence. The craziest thing about this story: It didn’t happen in Florida.

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are lower than they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Trump went on Twitter early Saturday morning and launched off several posts accusing Barack Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. Right now we are this close to Trump putting tinfoil on his head during a speech and shouting, “Try reading my thoughts now, Obama!”

In another tweet Trump wrote, “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate, bad or sick guy.” These are damning allegations, so of course the nation immediately responded by saying “Hey dip [bleep], you spelled ‘tap’ wrong.”

Apparently Trump believes this because he read about it in Breitbart News. He just read about it and believed it. I’m like, “Quick, someone write a fake news story about Trump resigning.”

Jimmy Buffett has announced that he’s opening a Margaritaville retirement community in Florida. You don’t really need to say it was in Florida, though. That was a given. Have you ever been to a Jimmy Buffett concert? It’s already a retirement community.

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Last week — I don’t know if you were paying attention — but Donald Trump seemed pretty steady. He gave a big-boy speech in front of Congress, long pants and everything. I was afraid he’d sold the timeshare in Crazytown. Well, he’s baaack!

Saturday morning while he was in Florida, out of nowhere, Trump tweeted: “Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my wires tapped in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!” Just like that, the White House had to reset their sign [The President Has Worked __Days Without a Twitter Freakout] back to zero. So sad. They’d gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record.

Next, he tweeted: “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate.” Wait, you said this was McCarthyism. Now it’s Nixon-Watergate? Pick your historical analogy! “This is the Pearl Harbor of Hindenburg/Great Depression D-Days/finale of ‘Lost.’”

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