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Tuesday Dec 20 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.”

Donald Trump is saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” Donald Trump said he’s a fan of Jesus because “I like guys who inherit their dad’s business and then think they’re God.”

Opera star Andrea Bocelli has backed out of performing at Donald Trump’s inauguration after pressure from his fans. So congratulations to his replacement, Chumbawamba.

Donald Trump said that after the election, he didn’t call Bill Clinton, but instead, “Bill Clinton called me.” Bill Clinton said, “Actually, I was calling for Melania and he answered the phone.”

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order.

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Donald Trump officially became the president-elect after 538 electors from the Electoral College cast their votes — and immediately after, Donald Trump claimed that 3 million of them voted illegally.

I want to say happy birthday to “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, who turned 70 today. And if you missed his party, don’t worry. It will repeat several times tonight and all day Sunday on the USA Network.

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.”

Apple’s new operating system gets rid of the feature that tells you how much battery time you have left on your laptop. People will have no idea they’re about to lose power. Or as Democrats put it, “Been there.”

More millennials are looking to get rid of extra piercings and even remove their tattoos. Researchers say it’s due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Well, there are only four days until Christmas. So, Hillary, just choose a tree already. You’ve been in the woods long enough. Choose a tree and come home, Hillary.

Netflix began streaming a biopic of President Obama this weekend called “Barry.” They’ll also air a documentary about Trump’s presidential win called “Barely.”

Donald Trump has now waited over four times longer than any other president-elect to hold a post-election press conference. He is basically treating the press like a Tinder date. They did every dirty thing he wanted and now he’s ignoring their texts.

Ford announced today that it will resume car production in Venezuela starting this April. Employees will celebrate with a Fiesta.

A novelty shop is selling a hipster nativity scene that features Joseph with his hair in a man bun. Which explains why Mary was so adamant about remaining a virgin.

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