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Thursday Oct 20 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

We have a superhero on the show — Benedict Cumberbatch is with us. He stars in the new Marvel movie “Dr. Strange.” It’s the story of a former neurosurgeon who gets drawn into a bizarre world he knows little to nothing about. It’s based on the life of Dr. Ben Carson.

Last night from Las Vegas, “Trump vs. Clinton 3” — and just like that, we’re one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV.

Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine.

Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.

Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition.

Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he “will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!” So in other words, no. No, right?

At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because “Celebrity Apprentice” never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.

Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some “bad hombres” here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.

“Bad hombres” doesn’t sound like drug dealers. “Bad hombres” sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter.

“Bad hombres” sounds like the Spanish-language version of “Grumpy Old Men.” “Bad hombres” sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.

“Bad hombres” sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. “Bad hombres” sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of “Cops.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

We have a Trump hangover. We are all still recovering from last night’s third and final debate, if there is a God.

CNN named the winner hours before the debate began. They say it was Excedrin, for their tweet, “The possibility of a debate headache is high, be prepared with Excedrin.” Of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was NyQuil — “Sweet darkness of sleep, it’s your only escape.”

What an amazing psych-out. It’s like that classic joke where you offer to shake somebody’s hand, but when they go to shake it . . . you undermine our system of government.

So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?

Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.

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