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Monday Sep 12 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, "Get well soon, you shrill, lying crook."

Chipotle is testing deliveries by drone. A spokesman for Chipotle said, "If our food is going to come flying out of you, it might as well fly into you."

Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, "Man, I wish."

After Hillary Clinton’s health scare yesterday, Donald Trump has said he will release his medical records and he said he’s expecting some "very large numbers."

North Korea is on a campaign to increase tourism. They have a new slogan, "Come for our glorious sights, stay because you saw too much."

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you're keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable.

Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone's surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she's sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK.

I guess Trump really does want her to get better, because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump's usual order at KFC. "I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy."

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus spoke out against Hillary Clinton's attack on Donald Trump's supporters and said, "Clinton's comments show outright contempt for ordinary people." Then again, so does the name Reince Priebus.

Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka."

Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. "Wait, you wanted me to save those?" said his doctor.

Green Party candidate Jill Stein said on Sunday that she would not have assassinated Osama bin Laden, but instead would have captured him and brought him to trial. I would say that will hurt her poll numbers but she only has one.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

This weekend Hillary Clinton called half of Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. A basket of deplorables is not only an insult, but it's also the top-selling item at KFC.

While in New York Hillary became overheated and had to leave an event to receive medical attention. It turns out that she had been diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday. I mean this was a scary moment for Donald Trump because he was thinking, "Oh God, I might actually have to be the president."

But today on Fox News Trump actually said, "I just hope she gets well and gets back on the trail." I mean forget Hillary, is Trump OK?

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