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Thursday Apr 28 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A study found that one minute of intense exercise may have the same physical benefits as 45 minutes of moderate exercise. So finally, a study that vindicates my wedding night, ladies and gentlemen.

CVS Pharmacy has recalled some herbal teas that might be infected with the salmonella virus. So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called, "Permanent Sleepytime."

The American bison was just named the official mammal of the United States. To put this in perspective, the bison narrowly beat out the McRib.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. It's really the most uncomfortable day of the year for the adult film industry. Take Your Kid to Work Day is a great opportunity to teach your children why you come home miserable every night.

I brought my daughter, Jane, to work with me today and she wasn’t good at it. She's almost two. They really should schedule Take Your Daughter to Work Day with Girl Scout Cookie Day.

It's important to let them come to our jobs so they can see where we spend all day looking at Instagram and checking Facebook.

It's also NFL Draft Day. This is where we get to find out how great the next Papa John's spokesperson will be.

Congress passed a bill to declare the American bison national mammal of the United States. So finally Republicans and Democrats have managed to reach across the aisle to pass a meaningless piece of legislation.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Donald Trump tweeted from Indiana that he was staying at a Holiday Inn Express, and said it was "not bad." Which, I believe, is just one of their ads: "Holiday inn Express: Not bad."

During his foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump mispronounced Tanzania and called it "Tanzainia." Then Melania was like, "That's nothing. My name is actually Kathryn."

We have less than 100 days to go until the summer Olympics. It's less than 100 days until people at home in sweatpants eating potato chips are like, "I could do that."

Yesterday, athletes from Team USA kicked off the countdown to the summer Olympics right here in Times Square. It got weird when Times Square Elmo said, "Psst, need some tips for passing your drug test?"



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

During Donald Trump's foreign policy speech yesterday, he said when it comes to military action, we have to be unpredictable. Scary news for Iran, but terrifying news for Canada.

Donald Trump yesterday gave his first foreign policy speech and accused President Obama of handling Iran with tender lovin' care. Eric and Donald Jr. were like, "Sometimes that works, Dad.”

Exit polls from Tuesday's primary showed Donald Trump won about 50 percent of Republican voters with college degrees. Well, technically they have college degrees. Their diploma was a steak.

Today was Take Your Child to Work Day or as it's known in China, work day.

Vice president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq this morning, and no one was more surprised than him. “Last time I use Expedia!”

Chile's new giant lasers are so powerful, they can create an artificial star, which is impressive until you remember that Kris Jenner has been able to create, like, eight of them.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months.

Just to be clear, there is no way Ted Cruz could even get the nomination. He's now like a 6 year old, pretending to be president.

I'm pretty sure we're going to see Ted Cruz drive around in a minivan with “Air Force One” spray painted on the sides. He'll be dressing up all of his daughters’ dolls like advisers going, “Yes, that is a good point about healthcare. Thank you, Malibu Barbie!”

We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at the Hooters in Texas.


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