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Thursday Apr 14 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Tonight, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in Brooklyn. And they’ll follow that up tomorrow with a rap battle in the Bronx.

When asked about his potential running mates, Donald Trump said he would consider Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, and John Kasich. Or as Trump calls them, "Shrimpy, Stupidface, and Loser."

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t."

Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on a call-in show for Russian television and he actually took questions. The most common question Putin got was, "Will I ever see my family again?"

The hamburger chain In-N-Out is upset because a bikini-clad woman made a video of herself handling their meat in a suggestive way. The CEO said, "What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?"

According to a new poll, Trader Joe's is no longer America's favorite grocery store. The story was reported in this morning’s "Emergency News for White People."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Kobe Bryant pulled one last rabbit out of his hat, 60 points in his farewell game, the most points scored by any player all season long. Kobe Bryant should have retired after every game, is what we realized.

It’s funny to think that Kobe Bryant is retiring at the same time that Bernie Sanders is running for president.

Bernie Sanders is headed to the Vatican tomorrow to make a speech. Going all the way to the Vatican to make a 15-minute speech and the Pope isn't even going to be there. Why he's doing this? Even people running his campaign don't know. Maybe he wants to get in good with God since they'll probably be meeting soon.

Bernie will be out of the country for a bit. But don't worry, his supporters will still be on Facebook yelling at you.

Donald Trump has new enemies — several former contestants from his show "The Apprentice" are speaking out against him. Donald Trump’s "Apprentice" contestants turning on him is like the cast of "Survivor" deciding to eat Jeff Probst.

Yesterday Trump met with one of his arch nemeses, Megyn Kelly. They talked for an hour. In the end they agreed to put aside their differences and get back to what's important, which is getting white people very angry.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the big Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. They discussed important issues such as national security, the economy, and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook.

Over 27,000 people attended a massive rally for Bernie Sanders in Manhattan's Washington Square Park. Well, technically, 7,000 people showed up for Bernie, while 20,000 New Yorkers just saw a line and got in it.

Producers for "Game of Thrones" confirmed that President Obama has requested and will receive episodes of the show's new season before it airs on HBO. So he can call up the Republicans and spoil it for them. “Jon Snow's alive! Bye.”

Congrats to Kobe Bryant! Last night, he scored 60 points in his last game before retiring. When asked if they were excited to start getting the ball more often, his teammates said, "Oh, he took the ball with him."

In a recent interview, Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they don't even know the word for guacamole.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

During their family town hall event on CNN last night, Ted Cruz's wife revealed that their daughters want Taylor Swift to be their first guest to visit the White House. Aw, that's so cute. They think he has a chance.

During last night's town hall, Ted Cruz talked about how his daughters often play a game with him, called “attack the daddy.” His daughter was like, "It's not a game."

Over 27,000 people attended Bernie Sanders' rally in Washington Square Park last night. Which is especially crazy, since Bernie only went to the park to play chess.

Bernie Sanders is visiting Rome tomorrow. He'll be flying middle class. "We have to share the armrests equally! It's everyone's armrest."

A new poll has named Wegmans as America's favorite grocery store, as opposed to Chris Christie's choice of whatever's the closest.

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