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Thursday Mar 17 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Here in LA we celebrate St. Patrick's Day a little differently than the rest of the places. We don't have pots of gold, we have pots of pot here. We call them medical marijuana dispensaries.

St. Patrick's Day in America is the best day to be Irish and the worst day to be an Uber driver.

Legend has it St. Patrick used the image of a shamrock, the three-leafed clover, to teach the doctrine of the Holy Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost . . . Then he got everyone totally smashed and they told Holy Ghost stories.

Apparently, after, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and then he went to Mexico and drove the worms into the tequila bottles.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

It's St. Patrick's Day! So I just want to take a moment and thank all of you at home for passing out with your TV on NBC.

The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's Donald Trump.

Ted Cruz was just featured in Us Weekly’s “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” column. And on the list he revealed that he was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got “terribly ill.” Then the octopus said, “Yeah, it took me a while to recover, too.”

John Kasich, fresh off his win in the Ohio primary, said that if you can't win Ohio, you can't be president. Then George Washington said, “What the hell is 'Ohio'?”

Amazon just filed a patent for technology that allows customers to “pay by selfie,” where customers can verify purchases by taking a selfie. In related news, the Kardashians just went bankrupt.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which commemorates the time when St. Patrick drove all the drunks out of New Jersey and into Manhattan.

It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…”

A Michigan woman was arrested this week after she bit a Walmart employee who tried to stop her from shoplifting. Luckily the other employees were experienced in dealing with Walmart customers and quickly sucked the venom out.

This week is the 35th anniversary of the Post-It note. And this is crazy, they completely forgot about it.

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up.

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