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Thursday Mar 10 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

This weekend, Kim Kardashian posted a naked selfie, and yesterday, Sharon Osbourne got inspired and posted a naked selfie. That explains why today, authorities shut down Barbara Walters' internet service.

Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are "future wives."

A reporter claims she was pushed down by one of Donald Trump’s campaign advisers. Isn’t that crazy? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.

The Las Vegas Strip has just opened its first medical marijuana dispensary. Which is why today the city changed its slogan to "What Happens in Vegas… Wait, What Just Happened In Vegas?"

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Barbie, the doll turned 57-years-old. She looks great, holding up well. The original Barbie was created in 1959. The first African-American Barbie came out in 1968. In 1984 Barbie got married to Larry King and the rest is history.

Since 1959, more than 800 million Barbie dolls have been sold. Some have been subjected to the most horrific torture imaginable: arm broken off, children chewing on their feet. Horrible things.

Over the years Barbie has evolved. Now we have a full-figured Barbie, short Barbie, tall Barbie. A new Barbie who finally acts her age.

Hillary Clinton debated Bernie Sanders last night in Miami and what got most people's attention, weirdly, was the color of Bernie Sanders' suit. Some people online said it looked brown. Some people said it looked blue. A few lunatics said eggplant.

Clearly, the suit is brown. I mean, that suit is so brown, Donald Trump wants to have it deported.

The suit has resulted in a big argument on Twitter. There's a debate about the debate. It was like election "Inception" or something.

As a country we could stop focusing on things like the color of Bernie Sanders' suit and start focusing on the fact that he was able to successfully dress himself.

There have been more Republican debates than seasons of "Dancing with the Stars." The chairman of the Republican National Committee said he was hoping for a G-rated night tonight. I love that we've reached the point where the party has to remind a candidate not to discuss the size of his [manhood] on television during the debate.

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