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Thursday Mar 03 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to "shatter the Republican Party." When he heard, Donald Trump said, "Beat you to it!"

Ted Cruz is trying to tie Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. In an attempt to repair the damage to his reputation, the mobster is distancing himself from Trump.

A marijuana activist group is planning a protest at the White House on April 2. They’re expected to show up around May 9.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has moved up 10 spots in Forbes magazine’s list of richest people. Mostly because he has the credit card numbers of the other 10 people.

Almost five years after Fukushima, a study found Japanese seafood is now "mostly free" of radiation. The study also found that the seafood at Long John Silver’s is "mostly free" of fish.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Mitt Romney this morning made a televised speech in which he went all in after Donald Trump. He called him a phony and a fraud. He said he's playing the American public for suckers. I haven't seen Mitt this fired up since that time he dripped mayonnaise on a new pair of chambray Dockers.

If Mitt Romney is the big gun the Republicans sent in to stop Trump, they're in a lot of trouble. It's like sending a meter maid in to break up a prison riot.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney gave a big speech against Donald Trump today and said, "A business genius he is not." Then Romney was like, "Yoda, my speechwriter is."

Romney also said Trump's promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Then Trump said, "Or as worthless as a Romney 2012 poster."

Mitt Romney also said Donald Trump is playing the American public for a free ride to the White House and, quote, "All we get is a lousy hat." Not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the way down.

The Google search "How to move to Canada" started trending after Donald Trump's impressive showing on Super Tuesday. Or as Canadians put it, "Great, now we need to build a wall."

The Defense Department is inviting hackers to test its cyber security in a new program called "Hack the Pentagon." Which will be followed by another new program called "OK, Please Stop Hacking Us. It's Not Funny Anymore.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Ben Carson sat out tonight’s 11th Republican debate. And kinda the first 10.

Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, “I wasn’t anything other than happy.” Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday.

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that.

NASA estimates that during his year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly drank almost 200 gallons of water filtered from his own urine and sweat. And then, on the last day, he found all the Fiji bottles he’d brought with him.

According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

American astronaut Scott Kelly returned from the International Space Station yesterday after spending almost a full year in space. A record-breaking year in space. So I guess that means that my 10 months in space are now completely irrelevant.

Upon returning, Scott Kelly measured two inches taller. This is due to his vertebrae not being compressed in a low-gravity environment. And the fact that he started wearing heels.

When he landed, waiting for him on the tarmac was Jill Biden, Joe Biden's wife. There's got to be an easier way to meet Jill Biden. I mean a year in space gets you a meet-and-greet with the vice president's wife. What do you have to do to meet the president?

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