Friday Jan 22 2010

The Tonight Show Starring with Leno

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Ladies and gentleman, we have exactly one hour to steal every single item in this studio.

We’ve a had a lot of fun being here these last seven months, but like everything in life, the fun has to come to an end a decade too early.

The terms of my settlement say that I can’t host another show for seven months. So next week, look forward to the “Andy Richter show” with his sidekick, me.

As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

People are now saying that tonight is Conan O’Brien’s final show. Looks like I knocked off another competitor.

Coincidentally, this is the fifth anniversary of the death of Johnny Carson. But don’t worry, Jay Leno has an alibi.

Today is the birthday of Yakov Smirnoff, famous Russian comedian. He celebrated by spending the entire day waving to Sarah Palin.

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman Top Ten

Still no Larry King sex tapes

America has a rich surplus of Kardashians

The Taco Bell drive-thru diet

More aggressive friskings at our nation's airports

Jets coach Rex Ryan is sort of like the funny fat guy on "Cheers"

Go to YouTube, type "kitties" and thank me later

Only three more entries on this list

Renee Zellweger is proving that you can be fun and flirty at 40

Snooki and "The Situation" got busy in the hot tub, while Vinnie and Ronnie went tanning and didn't tell J-Woww

For once, things are finally starting to go Jay Leno's way

The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

We have the “Mythbusters” guys on the show tonight. These guys are my heroes and it’s really something to meet your heroes. This is like Derek Jeter meeting Babe Ruth, or Mel Gibson meeting Hitler.

I like that there’s a whole show about busting myths, because Fox and MSNBC have got a lot of shows about creating myths.

It’s the only place on TV where you can see things getting destroyed for no reason, other than late night NBC.

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

The big healthcare fight is not going well for the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that the House doesn’t have enough votes to pass the Senate’s healthcare bill. A few more elections and the House won't have Nancy Pelosi, either.

An employee at a Taco Bell in Alaska was sentenced to one day in jail for throwing a taco at his manager. He'll spend the whole day pleading with fellow inmates to think outside the buns.

A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried to have sex with a tree. I don’t know about you, but I think Al Gore has finally gone too far.

I read that stray dogs in Moscow have figured out how to use the subway. Crazy right? At least in New York, it only smells like dogs have figured out how to use the subway.

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