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Thursday Feb 25 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called "Hypocrisy Cove."

The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth.

U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, "You know, I’m good up here."

It’s been announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be a presenter at Sunday night’s Oscars. So, diversity problem — solved!

President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "I thought he looked familiar."

Police in Cincinnati are looking for a bald man who has been stealing Rogaine from drug stores. The suspect is being described as "armed and suddenly dating again."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Donald Trump has a powerful new enemy and his name is Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney, the JCPenney mannequin who came to life and ran for president four years ago? He's back.

Romney said there will be a bombshell in Donald Trump's tax returns once they are released, and added that he's either not as rich as he says he is or he didn't give money to the veterans or disabled people like he's been saying he does. How is that a bombshell? Of course he's not as rich as he says he is. He's not as anything as he says he is.

Here's a new fashion trend that might make its way to the red carpet on Sunday. They're called furry nails. They're exactly what they sound like, nails with fur — like finger Uggs.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight in Houston, Texas, there was yet another Republican debate. Even the people on "Grey's Anatomy" were like, "How long does this go on?"

You can tell the candidates are getting bored up there 'cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush.

Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington 'cause he also wore a fantastic wig.

Mitt Romney recently accused Trump of having a bombshell in his tax returns, then Trump responded by tweeting that Romney blew an election. Yeah, Donald Trump is fighting with Mitt Romney. Even the Oscars were like, “That's just too white.”

In a new interview, Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good 'cause if she ever becomes first lady she'll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

The Oscars are this Sunday, which marks the official end of Black History Month.

CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either “for Mr. Trump” or “para El Diablo."

President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn.

After spending almost one year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly will return to Earth next week. Where he is expected to be very surprised how little we’ve talked about that.

Some parents across the country are worried after certain brands of sippy cups have started growing mold inside the mouthpiece valves. While other parents are on their third child. “Just scrape it off if it tastes funny.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

There is a new website for Bernie supporters who are looking for love. It's called Berniesingles.com. In fairness, it makes sense that Bernie would have a dating website because he looks just like the eHarmony guy.

On Bernie's website you have two choices. You can swipe left or swipe far left.

The Clintons also have their own dating website. It's called Ashley Madison.

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles.

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