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Wednesday Jan 27 2016

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli."

People are very upset because in a new movie Michael Jackson is going to be played by a British white man. The producers said, "We didn’t want to cast a white man, but we’d like to get nominated for an Oscar."

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party."

In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters.

Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him "mano a mano." In response, Trump said, "See, he’s not from this country."

Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called "a crowbar."

Gisele Bundchen shared a picture of Tom Brady after he lost the NFL playoffs. It was a heartbreaking photograph of a handsome man being consoled by a Brazilian supermodel.

Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie’s Yearning." It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit Email Crunch."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Donald Trump is refusing to take part in the debate on Fox News tomorrow night because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. This morning he tweeted, “I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter.”

He said that at 5:45 a.m. You have to hand it to him, Trump insults more women by 6:00 a.m. than most people do all year.

The reason that he doesn't like her is he claims Megyn Kelly is unfair, which makes sense. Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans.

When did the Republican race for president turn into "The Real Housewives?"

I have to believe Jeb Bush is excited. It's like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump announced that he's not going to participate in the Fox News debate tomorrow night. The other candidates are really excited to present their views in a serious, yet respectful manner — which means they haven't been told that nobody is going to watch this one.

Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.

Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, “What can I say, I'm prone to getting carried away by hot air.”

At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that "in many areas judgment should be left to God." Then God was like, “OK. You really shouldn't have deleted all those emails."

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show.

Dr. Ben Carson said today that although Donald Trump has announced he will boycott the debate, Carson “wouldn’t be surprised if he did show up.” Then again, it’s Ben Carson. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn.

A recent poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the most recognizable faces of the 2016 campaign. While Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie just have the most face.

The advocacy group One Million Moms has called for a boycott of the new Fox show "Lucifer" because they believe the series "glorifies Satan," and is complaining to the show’s main sponsor, Olive Garden. Wait, Olive Garden sponsors Lucifer? I always assumed it was the other way around.

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