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Wednesday Dec 16 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, "Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?"

Last night, the GOP debate took place in Las Vegas. CNN said the Republicans chose that location because "nothing says fiscal responsibility and wise choices like Las Vegas."

Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels."

At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute "Sieg Heil!" Trump immediately responded, "There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration."

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. The 98-year-old was shocked, mostly because he had no idea he was playing golf.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

The fifth Republican debate was the third most-watched primary debate ever — 18 million viewers tuned in. More people watched the debate than the season finale of "The Voice." Maybe Carly Fiorina is the new Gwen Stefani.

Ted Cruz said he would carpet bomb ISIS until the sand glowed. When it was pointed out ISIS was centered in a city with a major population, he said carpet bombs should only target ISIS, which means Ted Cruz has invented a carpet bomb that only kills the bad guys, which is remarkable. I don't know why we didn't think of that before.

Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival.

Dr. Ben Carson began with a moment of silence, then continued the debate with many, many more moments of silence. Although he may have been taking a power nap.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the fifth Republican debate, and at one point Donald Trump was interrupted by a heckler yelling at him from offstage. Then the moderators said, "You'll have more than enough time to speak at your next debate, Hillary."

With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.”

Scientists are saying that an asteroid over a mile wide is going to pass by Earth on Christmas Eve, but they say it PROBABLY won't hit the Earth. Then the scientists were like, “Anyway, happy holidays, everyone!”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a “maniac,” he has since learned that Cruz has a “wonderful temperament.” And if Donald Trump thinks you have a “wonderful temperament,” you’re probably a maniac.

According to a new poll, Newark Liberty is the country’s least favorite airport. But only because LaGuardia is technically classified as a prison.

A London architect has come up with a concept for a floating hotel that is self-sustaining and could potentially move around the world. Great job, architect. You just invented the cruise ship.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

There's a new Internet start-up called Swanluv that will give you $10,000 to help pay for your wedding. However, if you get divorced, you must pay the money back, plus interest. What better way to start your life together than with the threat of financial ruin hanging over your head.

Some people think these guys prey on tragedy, but the company also offers marriage counseling. So let me get this straight: The company that makes money from that couple breaking up will be offering up advice to save that couple's marriage. Why do I get the feeling every counseling session will just be: “I think she is cheating on you, man.”

I think this company is underestimating a couple's ability to stay in a terrible relationship. I once didn't break up with a woman for two years because she owned a washer/dryer combo.

A man in Houston, Texas, is in some hot water after shutting down traffic on one of the busiest freeways in the United States so he could propose to his girlfriend. If you think that's inconvenient, their wedding will take place on the day before Thanksgiving in the security checkpoint line at the airport.

The proposal was actually very sweet. The man was like, "Michelle, from the moment I met you I knew that we would — Dodge Caravan!” People on that freeway knew there was a proposal coming because their GPS was like, "In a quarter of a mile, prepare to throw up in your mouth a little."



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

A new study shows that elected leaders don't live as long as their defeated opponents. So if there's a candidate you really don't like, vote for them.

Last night was yet another Republican debate. CNN's GOP-alooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, the Venetian hotel and casino. The debate took place on the stage where "Phantom of the Opera" played for over six years. Which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit.

Holding the debate in Las Vegas makes total sense. The stakes are high. There's a lot of money riding on long shots. Most people are betting it all on red, or really orange.

CNN did everything they could to keep us tuned in for as much of the evening as possible by keeping the start time as vague as possible. They even had a countdown clock for four days ticking down to the big event, but when it hit zero, it just changed to, "Moments away."


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