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Thursday Dec 10 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

The Navy is facing a lot of criticism today for naming their newest combat ship after Andrew Jackson. So to completely avoid controversy, they’re going to rename the ship after Michael Jackson.

Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

Researchers at Cornell have successfully bred the first puppies in a test tube. Which is great, because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it.

During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.

In an interview, Larry King said when he dies he wants to be cryogenically frozen. Larry said, "I was frozen once during the Ice Age — I loved it. It was the best nap I ever had."



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Nominees for the 73rd annual Golden Globes were announced this morning. Which can only mean one thing: It's Diet Coke commercial season.

Matt Damon was nominated for best actor for "The Martian," also nominated for best musical or comedy. Some people are complaining that "The Martian" isn't a musical or a comedy. I disagree. It's definitely not a musical, but the idea of Matt Damon being left for dead on another planet, to me, that's funny.

The first-ever puppies to be conceived in a test tube have been born. It makes me happy personally because when I was a kid, our family dog and her husband tried unsuccessfully for years to get pregnant. And eventually they adopted a hamster.

If they can make a puppy in a test tube, imagine how many of them Paris Hilton will be able to fit in her purse.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump.

A Middle Eastern retail chain called Lifestyle announced that it's pulling Donald Trump's home decor products from its shelves. But I guess they'll still be available at that other store, “Hate and Barrel.” Or that OTHER store, “Walllllll-Mart.”

Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her “grandma” for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments."

In his interview with People Magazine, Bernie Sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him “Grandpa Bern.” Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. "You've got 'Grandpa Burn.' That's why it hurts when you [go].”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal.

Kim Jong Un will be sending his personal all-girl band to China next week in an effort to improve the relationship between the two countries. They’ll be playing all their hits, like “Never Let Me Go,” “Can I Stay Here Awhile,” and their newest single, “Seriously Though, I’m Begging You Please Don’t Make Me Go Back There.”

An artist in China recently demonstrated Beijing’s smog problem by sucking up air in a vacuum for 100 days and then compressing the collected dust into a solid brick. Which, by the way, is also how they make Clif bars.

The University of Vermont has announced that they will now offer a course on the science of marijuana. The earliest it’s offered is 2 p.m.


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