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Monday Dec 07 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Donald Trump said today that all Muslims, even U.S. citizens and those serving in the armed forces, should be barred from entering the United States. Trump’s statement was so outrageous and so offensive, his poll numbers went up 20 points.

In Florida, a naked man was arrested for driving 110 mph while drunk. He was charged with Florida’s most serious crime, "not being on meth."

It was reported today that more than 50 members of Congress still haven’t paid back their student loans. John McCain said he just needs a little more time.

Ted Cruz has jumped ahead of Donald Trump in the latest Iowa poll. The poll was called "Who’s crazier?"

It has come out that a top Russian official recently met with Pamela Anderson. The Russian official said it was an honor to meet someone who’s posed for more topless photos than Vladimir Putin.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had their baby over the weekend but they waited until today to reveal the name. When asked why they waited so long, Kim and Kanye said, "We’re very private people."

In the United Kingdom, a sperm donor has fathered 54 children. Today, he was offered a contract by the NBA.

A new dating website allows users to post their STD results straight from the clinic. The site is called "Ew-Harmony.com."



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Today Donald Trump called for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. I'm starting to think Donald Trump is sick of running for president. He's trying to say crazy things to get himself thrown out. But the crazier the things he says, the more people seem to like him. It's like the movie "The Producers." This campaign is his “Springtime for Hitler.”

Congratulations to Kim Kardashian and her husband Kanye West. On Saturday, Kim gave birth to her second child, a boy. The baby weighed 8 pounds, 1 ounce, and 23 million Instagram followers.

Kim was carrying in a breech position — the baby was upside down, it’s supposed to be the other way. Doctors were able to insert a tiny cellphone at the base of the amniotic sac and the baby turned upside down to grab it and take a selfie.

Kim revealed the baby's name today. They named their kid Saint West. Even Apple Paltrow and Blue Ivy Carter are like, “Oh, come on!”



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah, a holiday that has eight nights. Unlike Christmas, which has three months starting in September.

You can tell which of your friends aren't Jewish based on who had their phones autocorrect to “Happy Handkerchief.”

A new poll shows Donald Trump has 36 percent support among Republicans and Ted Cruz is in second place with 16 percent. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is at 3. Not percent — people.

Donald Trump is 20 points ahead of the other Republican candidates. Even Trump was like, “OK, this isn't funny anymore.”

They had a beautiful baby boy and they announced the name today. The new baby's name is Saint. Or as the baby calls it, "Yeah, not as bad as I was expecting. That's good. I'll take that.”

Michigan’s state Senate just repealed 80 outdated laws including one that banned people from trespassing on a huckleberry marsh. Which, as everyone knows, takes away all the fun of trespassing on a huckleberry marsh.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Obama gave a rare national address last night from the Oval Office. Then today, Hillary Clinton said it was her favorite episode of "House Hunters."

A new poll has found that half of the country thinks Donald Trump's statements on the campaign trail are insulting and offensive, while the other half of the country thinks his statements are “insultante y ofensiva.”

Hanukkah began last night and will continue until next Monday. And I for one think it's unfair that Jewish people get eight days of Hanukkah and we only get to celebrate Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving until the New Year.

According to the Pantone Color Institute, rose quartz and serenity are the two colors of the year for 2016. Incidentally, Rose Quartz and Serenity were also the strippers of the year for 2015.

Some parenting experts are suggesting that the holiday tradition of the elf on the shelf may actually be harmful to children. So instead just take them to the mall and let them sit on a weird old dude's lap.



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Today is the second night of Hanukkah and on behalf of everyone who is not Jewish, I just want to say to our Jewish friends: We have no idea when Hanukkah is.

I don't mean to be ignorant, but you’ve got to admit you just keep moving it every year. All we're asking for is like an Evite or a save-the-date card. We know it's a bunch of days, and around now. Just take one day for it to start every year. I promise, we won't check your math.

This year the Kennedy Center honored Carole King. Now the night culminated in a tribute to Carole King with the great Aretha Franklin singing "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman." Aretha's so powerful that at the end of that song, I felt like a natural woman. I think I might have ovulated.

President Obama is on his feet, 90-year-old Cicely Tyson was going, “Yay!” And I'm sitting backstage thinking, “Boy, I would hate to have to follow that.” Then realized as the host of the show, I had to follow that.


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