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Wednesday Dec 02 2015

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A California man won a $1,000 lottery prize and immediately bought more tickets and won $10 million more. So another round of congratulations to Mark Zuckerberg!

Yahoo reports that among its top searches of the year are Minecraft and the Kardashian family. Both of them were searched under the phrase, "two-dimensional brightly colored tools."

Los Angeles is getting much closer to having an NFL team next year. So pretty soon, the Lakers won’t be the only team in LA scoring about 20 points a game.

A new dating site launched that is exclusively for fans of Disney. Ladies, just be careful if any guys say they want to text you a picture of Pinocchio’s nose. Political analysts say that the Republican leaders are paralyzed over what to do about Donald Trump. Upon hearing that they were paralyzed, Donald Trump immediately started making fun of them.

After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s "Mein Kampf" is headed back to German bookstores. The new edition has a foreword by Donald Trump.

McDonald’s is trying out a new service at some California locations where employees will serve customers at their tables. They’re calling this service "Applebee’s."

Experts in Israel are trying to re-create a wine used in the time of Jesus. Apparently, all they need is some water and Jesus.

Fox Studios said the Internet rumor is false and in his new film, Leonardo DiCaprio is not, I repeat, not raped by a bear. The rumor got started because the title of the film is "Leonardo DiCaprio Gets Raped by a Bear."

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

We're into December and Donald Trump is still running for president, which I don't even think even he expected would happen. According to a new Quinnipiac University poll, Trump is in first place among Republicans with 27 percent of the vote; Marco Rubio is in second place at 17 percent; Ben Carson is fast asleep somewhere, dreaming of sugarplums.

Donald Trump was in Macon, Georgia, this week. Again, he suggested that CNN should pay to get him to come to the next debate. He's treating the Republican primary like it's an entertainment show and he is the star — which, let's be honest, he is kind of exactly. It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities.

What Donald Trump should do is start firing his opponents one by one every week. Ted Cruz, you're fired.

Of course CNN's not just going to give Donald Trump $5 million. They're not his dad, they're a news network. You know that if Donald Trump wins we are going to have a Kardashian as president one day, right? It's the only logical step forward.

Kylie Jenner, who I think is the youngest non-baby member of the Kardashians, is having a very profitable holiday season. Kylie launched her lip kit and it sold out in seconds. Originally selling for $29, now posted on eBay between $80 and $1,150. The only person who could afford Kylie Jenner's lip kit is Kylie Jenner.

If you want lips like Kylie you don't have to go on eBay. Take that $29 you were going to spend, give it to a stranger, ask him to punch you in the mouth.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, “We don't have $5 million.”

CNN was like, “Fine, we'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours — oh my God, where do we send the check?”

In an interview with Charlie Rose yesterday, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, “And especially they can't bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don't even think of sending money there, this weekend.”

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them.

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

MTV announced that the generation after millennials will be known as "The Founders,” because their job will be to restore order to the society that the millennials apparently disrupted. The term "Founder" would apply to anyone age 15 or younger. Or as MTV knows them as, "moms."

A new story came out that more and more babies are being named after Instagram filters. Move over, dead relatives, Instagram is in town.

When I heard about parents naming their kids after Instagram filters, I was like, “This is ridiculous! I have got to tell my son, Snapchat, about this. Periscope, get your brother.”

The good news about naming your daughter after an Instagram filter like Sierra, Willow, or Lux is that she won't have to change her name if she becomes a stripper.

McDonald's is thinking of introducing table service at their restaurants. If you're sitting down at McDonald's for dinner, you really do need another human being to come over to you and say, “Hey, how are you doing tonight?” Even though we all know the answer is, “Yeah, not great.”

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